Blue Like Alis

My Awakening Story

2011-03-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

My whole life I've felt different. I've been drawn to water & the ocean. I'm dreamy, distant, spacey, & mystical. And I've felt like no one in my life truly understood me. Turns out, these are common themes for Blue Ray Starseeds.

A good place to start with this story is with my first visit to Hawaii in Dec. 2004. I was there for 2 weeks. During the second week I had an emotional breakdown. I remember leaving my husband & 3 year old daughter stranded while I drove to the ocean & watched the whales spouting for an hour by myself. From then on, I've had recurring dreams of trying to find the whales in Hawaii. These dreams continued on regularly & I still have them. I've been to Hawaii 2 other times & each time I would have an emotional breakdown. More on this later.

I started to blog in 2005. There are quite a few similarities between what I would blog about & Starseed traits. The blog is even called "Blue Like Alis: Blue thoughts about a certain girl."

Last year I was introduced to Crystal Ally Cards & Book by Naisha Ahsian. I started pulling cards regularly & accessing what I believe is my intuition through them. The more I use them, the better I get at asking good questions about what is going on in my life. Then, about 3 months ago, I started to get the same card over & over, nearly every time I pulled cards. That card was the Nurture Card of the Larimar Ally. Then I got the opportunity to go back to Hawaii in January. I asked the Allies what would be most beneficial for me for my trip, so that I would have the most fun, connection, & spiritual growth during my time there. I again got the Larimar card. This card suggested that I do a water ritual such as swimming in the ocean. I did this the first few days I was there, going on snorkel & whale watching tours. Then at the end of my second to last day I was at the beach but decided against my better judgement to go back to my hotel room. When I got there, things went downhill fast. I became severely depressed, even somewhat suicidal. I felt like my will to live & experience pleasure had been entirely sucked out of me. I felt like a shell of a human, with nothing inside. The physical pressure on my body was intense. I felt half dead. This depression continued on for several days after I got home.

When I got home I was so depressed that I could not even draw Crystal Cards about this issue. The friend who introduced them to me finally asked if she could pull some cards for me. She drew the Will card twice, followed by the Initiation card twice. So I knew I was onto something. Hearing that there was a reason for the madness gave me the motivation to start researching about what had happened. I looked back at the Larimar card & discovered that it was linked to dolphins & Lemuria. I had read on Diana Cooper's website that Hawaii is considered the mountaintops of Lemuria. Hawaii is also considered to be the Solar Plexus Chakra of the earth. And the Solar Plexus Chakra is the one associated with a person's will, so hence the Will card.

And during the time that I was depressed in Hawaii they were also having major thunderstorms, & unusually heavy rains that resulted in flooding. In the Crystal Ally cards, the Initiation card is a Storm element card. So I believe I was going through an initiation that had to do with my solar plexus chakra. Perhaps I would have experienced the same initiation in a gentler way if I had heeded the advice of the Larimar card & stayed near the ocean & water.

So after I started to feel better I began to research more about Hawaii, Lemuria, dolphins & whales. I have felt a keen desire to go to Hawaii ever since my first visit there, even though I had the emotional breakdowns. I remember telling people that Hawaii had "gotten in my blood." And I felt that the whales were calling me to return as well. As I researched all of this, I discovered something called Blue Ray Starseeds. This was my moment of awakening or at least the moment that I recognized who I am. I identify heavily with Blue Ray traits, except for the age-range. I'm 32 & most Blue Rays are in their late 30's to 50's. I remember spending hours on the computer doing research & then feeling so incredibly drained afterwards! This was because I hadn't yet figured out that I have to ground myself regularly to balance out all that higher thinking. Regardless however, I was still very excited to discover all of this. I felt like finally someone understood me, truly. I felt like there was a higher purpose to my life beyond just the day-to-day stuff. Little did I know that I would soon discover that that higher purpose was to bring light to the day-to-day stuff. ;)

I spent about a week heavily researching everything I could find about this topic. I read Shakina, Diana Cooper, Blue Ray Healing, Joan Ocean, & various other websites about Hawaii, Lemuria, Blue Rays, Starseeds, healing, numberology, 2012, etc. After this I nearly collapsed & finally figured out that I was having "assension symptoms." Wow, it was right on! So now I take breaks, do grounding exercises, light incense or smudge, take salt baths, do physical chores, etc., to make sure I stay grounded & balanced.

So that has been my experience so far. I still struggle with energy & being balanced but at least I know why & how to fix it. And I know I have to go back to Hawaii & the whales. I read somewhere that Blue Rays are drawn to certain sacred places both to get messages & energy from them as well as to give them energy & healing. When I read that I knew that Hawaii needed my energy & that there is something in me that it can only get from me & it is important that I visit there as often as I can. Next time I will be prepared & will listen completely to my intuition & spirit guides. It is going to be epic!

According to Shekina:
The Blue Ray Beings are an ultra sensitive empathic soul group like the Indigos that came from many different ascended planets and light realms to enlighten the genetic code of humanity and raise the God consciousness on Gaia. They are the lost ray of the Light Worker.

The Blue Ray Mission:

Infiltrate the system in a normal capacity, always remembering who you are and where you came from, planting the seeds of peace, love, light and higher awareness. No matter how painful, long or arduous the job was, it was your mission and you had the spiritual tools, insight and divine light to see it through.

Blue Ray Traits:

· 'Transformers', using alchemy you naturally transmute lower energies.
· Average age range: Late 30's to 50's
· Tend to be water and air signs: Pisces, Scorpio, Cancer, Gemini, Aquarius, and Libra with Virgo influences. (I'm a Libra.)
· Have similarities with the Indigo, Crystals and Rainbows Beings. Ultra sensitive, intuitive, can easily communicate with the higher realms. You have sacred knowledge and wisdom.
· Often mistaken for an Indigo.
· Very adaptable and empathic.
· Blues are more reserved and quieter than the indigos and seem mystical in the way they look. Old souls may appear to be more ethereal looking or star born.
· You are about communication and expression through the creative arts and spirit. It is very important for you to express yourself. It's part of you mission.
· May have taken many years for you to be able to speak up and be seen.
· Have blue in your aura or have lots of blue around you. You will also have violet to help with transmuting lower density. (Blue has always been my favorite color. I have lots of blue in my house & surroundings. My personality type is Blue-dominant.)
Work with Archangel Michael, Saint Germain and the Violet Fire. (In November of 2010 I felt inexplicably drawn to an event where Archangel Michael was channelled.)
· Most are energy or spiritual healers as you wish to heal and help others. (I have been working with hands-on intuitive blessing, using Mahatma Energy of Universal Love for several years & have always been interested in alternative healing.)
· Are water types. Flowing, emotional, not static and associated with the divine feminine traits and archetype. Music, sound, movement, dance and nature is very important to you. (I've always been involved in music. I'm a nature girl at heart. And I connect so much with water that I even gave birth in a pool of water.)
· Learned how to hide your supernatural abilities and gifts, stood in the background waiting, watching, observing and always in the knowing. (As a child I actually saw an angel once. )
· The Waiting, Star Seed Time Line Encodement, the blues have been preparing for when events and an inner knowing will activate you to reset your course to take a higher path. This activation will attuned you to your core essence and will affect your career, hobbies, goals and relationships. (I believe this is the Initiation that occured in Hawaii.)
· Most of you were not born to enlightened consciousness spiritual parents. You had to heal and transform much family, genetic damage, emotional trauma and dysfunction first. (Whoo boy! Tell me about it!!!)
· Feel connected to the terms Light Worker, Star Born and to Pleiades, Sirius and to the esoteric studies and the evolved races of earth. Are more energetic aligned to Lemurians then to the Atlantians. (I love the author Tom Robbins. Last year I read his book, Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas, which gives a detailed account of how the African tribe, the Dogon, have for thousands of years told the story about how there was a Sirius A & B, although Sirius B was not visible to the naked eye & even before astronomers knew about Sirius B. The Dogon told of how half human, half fish beings (ei. Merpeople, to which I feel a particular connection) came from the sky & told them these stories about Sirius A & B.)
· Have amazing latent spiritual gifts and talent that are not fully activated. (I feel like I have some HUGE potential in these areas!)
· Feel out of out place in your family, feel your biological family is not your true origin. Feel you are from the stars, another planet or evolved race. (When my mom was 3 months pregnant with me she began to bleed heavily & was told by doctors that she had lost the pregnancy. But after they tested her later they discovered that there was still a heartbeat. I feel that something momentous happened during that time. And I have always felt like I had a twin that I am deeply connected to or that there is something "out there" that I am connected to. I've never been able to put this in words until now.)
· Are the peacemakers with your family and with friends.
· Have great inner long-term persistence. You get to your destination.
· Very sensitive to foods, chemicals, the environment, noise and electricity. (No kidding!! )
· Need to drink lots of spring water that still has the life force in it, and be connected to the deva of water. (I believe this is why I do not like to drink water usually. It tastes so chlorinated & harsh!)

Challenges for the Blue Ray

· Escape tendencies, being in the other realms or being alone to much, feeling lonely and different.
· Addictions or addictive tendency in earlier years.
· Chronic fatigue from always transforming energies or leaving the body too often and too long.
· Learning disabilities (I was diagnosed with ADD in college.)
· Difficulty and frustration in communicating. (OMG, yes!! The only way I feel totally comfortable communicating is when I am typing or writting & can go back & edit what I am saying to make sure it makes sense. I hate talking on the phone!)
· Were told: You were different. You're just imaging things. Get real.
· Can have entities, spirit attachments and negative thought forms come to you, because the Blue Ray transforms and shows them the light. (I believe this is why I have always been afraid of the dark.)
· Had genetic damage to transform. (Last year my chiropractor worked with me to heal gastritis/ulcers I'd had for years. He used muscle testing to reveal that I needed several extremely potent homeopathic remedies specifically for a genetic component I had that had to do with emotional energy repatterning.)
· Are very adaptable and empathic, and therefore can stay in a dysfunction relationship, situation or environment too long.
· Need to maintain energetic boundaries and awareness and learn how to stay connected in the body.

© 2010 Shekina Rose, All Rights Reserved www.shekinaspeaks.com

Thoughts from the tea room...

2010-11-09T11:37:00.001-08:00

Last night I attended a tea session at Heaven's Tea. We were given different teas to drink without knowing what kinds they were. As we drank them we wrote down our thoughts & feelings in the form of poems. Here is what my tea session was like:

Air & Light. ~Oriental Beauty, aged 2 years.

Slip. Slurp. Pan's tea.
A bit of nymph.
A glimpse of hoof.
~White Tea, from trees that are 800-1,200 years old. Yes, I said years.

Smoky. Woodsy.
Back to my beginnings.
Hail Mother Earth!
~A combination of 3 Puerh teas from the early 1980's.

Red Plumeria on the island
reminds me of cotton candy,
vanilla, sugar & honey.
Pull me into the sweetness.
~Honey Orchid Phoenix Oolong, from 40 year old trees, growing near peach trees. Aged 2 years.

You are so sweet, my dear.
I see a rainbow-hued
butterfly in your eyes.
You enthrall me.
~Pomelo Flower Tea

Let me sleep
with your pure love.
~Organic Rosebud Tea from China

Uhhhhhh....
In the womb.
Pulling.
Closing me down
to open me up.
~Puerh Cha (sp?). By this time in the tea session, I was so "tea drunk" I forgot to write down the specifics of this tea. :)

A couple of things that Paul, the tea guy, said really struck me. He talked about how people are so busy & that drinking tea brings you into the moment & helps you get in touch with self love. He also said that tea combines the 4 elements: earth, air, fire, & water. When I heard that I immediately thought about my Crystal Ally book that says that when all 4 elements are combined it produces the storm element, which is the most powerful of all & where incredible things happen. Drinking tea at Paul's seems to do just that. I come away feeling like something supremely magical has just happened to me, on a physical, emotional, mental & spiritual level.

Turning over a new leaf...

2010-11-03T20:09:00.001-07:00

Today is the first day that I will be trying something new: spending quality alone time with myself, regularly. Yes, that means a schedule. No, I am usually not a schedule type person. But I feel that by doing this I will be sending the message to myself that I am important & that I do deserve to love myself by giving myself quality time. It is one of my Love Languages after all. Moreover, it will send the message to my higher self, my spirit guides, & the Universe that I take seriously this whole business of intending & manifesting, & that I desire to be a more centered & balanced person.

The main mission of spending time alone is to be able to process my life, how things are going, & how I desire them to go, & especially what outcomes I am desiring. The more clearly I am about these things, the closer I will get to living my highest purpose in life.

So I've also decided to try spending this alone time while walking outside. Today was my first day doing this. It was pure magic! Here are some pics I took while I meandered through a local park.

A difficult thing to admit

2010-09-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to start this post. I keep coming up with reasons why I shouldn't write about this. I feel sheepish, needy, embarrassed, & very vulnerable.

So here's what happened: I was experiencing frustration, impatience, & irritability for the umpteenth time a few evenings ago. As is my pattern, I initially act this out on my immediate family. I've gotten to the place where I can quickly realize I'm doing this & Dh is good at asking me what it is I'm really upset about, knowing that it most likely doesn't have to do with him or the kids. So he asked me what it is I really was wanting. Then he left me alone to sort it out. After he left the light seemed to switch on in my mind & I knew what it was that was really going on. I knew this because I sobbed uncontrollably for about 30 minutes & it wasn't PMS! I haven't cried that hard & for that long in a couple of years.

I realized that for the last few months I've increasingly felt isolated from friends & from people who care about me. I've let myself slowly block out a lot of people & have not opened up to new people either. I've shut my real self off from the love & care of others.

Part of it is because the main source of my intimate & fulfilling connections with close friends has been from being a part of the Foundations Workshops' alumni community. And when the regularly scheduled alumni events stopped occurring about 6 months ago I didn't realize how much I relied on the emotional support I received from these people, how much of the deep love & connection was now missing in my life.

Part of it is because I also got quite a bit of my deep connections from my girls' school community. And when school ended last year, I did not make a big enough effort to maintain those relationships over the summer.

And the last part of it is probably the hardest for me to admit. I realized that I have a deep fear of letting myself be loved by others. I'm doing so much better at loving myself now, & that is wonderful. It's not enough though, I'm realizing. If I really love myself, then I will allow others to love me too. If I believe that I am good enough, beautiful, deserving, & worthy of love, then I must allow others to love the wonderful person I believe I am.

For some reason, this is so hard to admit. I feel clingy & needy. I feel like I need to get my shit together before I ask for help. This lie feels HUGE, like it blocks out all the reasonable thoughts regarding this issue in my mind. It feels incredibly scary to ask for someone to reach out to me, to show me that they care about me, to show me that they love me. It feels selfish to ask people to love me when they have all their own people to love & their own lives to spend emotional energy on. I spend incredible amounts of time battling in my mind whether or not to ask for help when I'm feeling drained. This drains me more & I feel worse, which makes me feel even less like asking someone to show me that they care about me. It's a horrible cycle.

And there is another thing: Love Languages. If you haven't read about them, Google it. My Love Languages are Gifts & Quality Time. Just writing that is an emotional process for me right now. I didn't realize how much these things are missing from my life. I didn't realize how much I don't allow people to love me in these ways. Not only do I put myself at the bottom of everybody's list, if I do somehow manage to make it on somebody's list, I don't let myself enjoy it or absorb it. And just thinking of asking for a specific act of love, fills me with hopelessness. There are things I don't let myself dream about, like having people who want to sing with me, or people giving me meaningful, unique gifts, or people planning an specially occasion where I am the guest of honor....

Now comes the most secret of secrets: I like Physical Touch. I want to be touched so badly. I can barely let myself admit this because I feel so dirty, so wrong. One of my deepest fears is that if I touched someone they might think I was being sexually inappropriate. Or if I let them touch me, either they would think that I was experiencing it sexually or other people would think that I was being inappropriate. I have this huge fear of being sexual at all. Like it is the worst sin ever! And I don't even believe in the concept of sin! Can you believe that I make an exception & allow the concept of sin to exist in the case of my own sexuality?!

But seriously, I just want people to hug me & HOLD ME! I want my hair to be caressed, I want my hand to be held, I want my face to be touched. I can barely type this for the sobs. I want to feel that I'm worthy of having my body touched. That this is a universal need of all humanity. That this is healthy & normal. That I can trust myself to be touched. That other people trust me enough to touch me. Yeah, that is the core issue here: trust.

I'm still processing all of this so please don't judge. I don't have it all figured out yet. I just felt like this was burning a hole inside of me since the other night. It's making me sick, literally, to keep it in any longer. I'm tired of feeling irritable & impatient all the time. I need to let it out & let love in.

Alis

2010-09-01T14:53:00.001-07:00

All pics done by Jeremy of Blue Root Imaging.

Me Vale!

2010-06-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

Me Vale - As sang by Mana'

No me importa lo que
Piensa la gente de mí
Que si traigo el pelo
De alguna manera
Porque me gusta traerlo asi
Que por qué escucho
Ese tipo de música?
Si es la que me gusta oir

Critican todo lo que ven en mí
Inventan chismes que no son ciertos
Con quien hablo, con quién salgo,
Con quién ando,
Que te importa? es mi vida
Si yo no le hago daño a nadie
Quién eres tú para decirme
Cómo vivir, quién eres tú?

Me vale lo que piensen, hablen de mí
Es mi vida y yo soy asi, simón!
Me vale lo que piensen, hablen de mí
Es mi vida y yo soy asi!

Chorus
Porque me vale vale vaale,
Me vale todo
Me vale vale vaale,
Me vale todo
Si no me entienden o comprenden
Pues ya ni modo!
Porque me vale vale vaale
Me vale todo

No puedes criticar algo
Sin conocerlo primero
Sere muy feo por afuera
Pero muy bello por adentro
Si eres una de esas personas
Te tengo una solución
En vez de estar fregando
Y molestandome asi
Dedicate a encontrar
Que esta mal en tí
Por que...

Me vale lo que piensen
Hablen de mí, es mi vida
Y yo soy asi, simón!
Me vale lo que piensen,
Hablen de mí, es mi vida
Y yo soy asi por que...

Chorus-repeat

Mientras los reprimidos
Andan aburridos
Yo no ando, de jodido
No tengo broncas
Porque soy yo mismo

Hablen lo que quieran...

Qué piensa o murmura la gente de mi?
Qué piensan los vecinos de mi?
Qué piensan los maestros de mi?
Qué piensa la autoridad de mí?
Qué piensan mis padres de mí?
Qué piensan mis suegros de mí?
Qué piensa todo el mundo de mí?
Sólo tengo que decir:
Me vaaaaaaaaleeee
Me vaaaaaaaleee

Ponganse al tanto
Porque el mundo gira rápido
Ponganse al tiro
O se quedarán atrás

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It doesn't matter what
people think of me.
If I have my hair
a certain way it's because
I like to have it like that.
And why do I listen to
this kind of music?
'Cause it's the kind
I like to listen to.

They criticize all they see in me.
They make up gossip that's not true.
Who I talk with, who I hang out with,
who I go out with.
Why should you care? It's my life.
If I'm not hurting anyone,
who are you to tell me
how to live my life?
Who are you??

I don't care what they think,
or talk about me.
It's my life
and this is what I'm like. Oh yeah!
I don't care what they think,
or talk about me.
It's my life
And this is what I'm like!

Because I don't care, don't care, don't care!
I don't care about it all!
I don't care, don't care, don't care.
I don't care about it all!
If they don't understand,
don't comprehend me
well, who cares!
Because I don't care, don't care, don't care!
I don't care about it all!

You can't criticize something
without knowing about it first.
I could be real ugly on the outside
but real pretty on the inside.
If you are one of those kinds of people
I have a solution for you:
Instead of bugging
and bothering me like this,
dedicate yourself to finding
what is wrong with YOU!

Because I don't care what they think
or say about me.
It's my life
and this is the way I am!
I don't care what they think or say about me.
It's my life
and this is what I'm like!

Chorus

While the repressed
walk around bored
I don't go out bloodied.
I don't have quarrels.
Because I'm myself.

Let them say what they want.

What do the people think about me?
What do my neighbors think about me?
What do my teachers think about me?
What do the authorities think about me?
What do my parents think about me?
What do my in-laws think about me?
What does the whole world think about me?
I only have to say,
I don't care!
I don't care!!

Beware!
Because the world turns quickly.
Give it a shot
or you'll be left behind!

Chorus

More on Freedom

2010-05-20T18:24:00.001-07:00

I want to quickly share a link to a blog I read regularly. This lady actually wrote about some of the same themes that I wrote about yesterday. She also takes fabulous photos! You can read all about it here.
A friend of mine was talking to me about how she is experiencing similar issues herself. She hadn't read this yet so it's kind of interesting how I keep running into this theme. Hmmm... I will have to give that some more thought.

Freedom

2010-05-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot on my mind lately. With all these treatments I'm on for my physical health, I feel like things are getting stirred up & moved around inside my body. This is also affecting my thoughts, emotions & spirituality. It's a real "in limbo" sort of experience.
One thing that came to the surface during my coach call with my life coach yesterday was my deep desire for freedom. As I've alluded to previously on this blog, I've struggled with finding the balance between what my life is (SAHM, wife, housekeeper, etc.) & what I desire my life to be.
Before I go into what those desires are, let me give a little background information. I see myself, as I've lived my life, as going from feeling true to myself & my desires as a young child, to being overwhelmed with negative feelings, thoughts, & actions that clouded & covered my real self, to slowly starting to regain some of the clarity I had about who I really am & what I really want in life.
One way to explain this is through personality (which I see as a fluid, moving concept). When I was very young I have these vignette views of myself as carefree, playing outside with the sun shining & the breezes blowing, perfectly happy & carefree. I remember the feelings & the thoughts that would run through my head were about birds, friends, imagination, pixies, angels, puppies, fun, flowers, nature, etc. These times of carefree playing seemed to grow shorter & more covered by negative thoughts & worries as I grew & as the realities of my young life became more than my brain could process in the amount of time it needed to. I started thinking about shame & not being good enough more & more until it took over the majority of my thoughts. I was no longer carefree. I became moody, depressed, quietly angry, withdrawn. People repeatedly commented, at different stages of my childhood, about how I looked mad or anxious just in general. I slouched my shoulders, the weight of my world on my shoulders. I grew up feeling very stuck & imprisioned. I longed to feel free. I craved it. I didn't realize that I was the one keeping myself in that prision. I didn't realize that I could get out. I didn't see the door or even know it existed for me.
After living like this into my 20's, bringing it into my marriage & relationship with my eldest daughter, I finally saw the door. I attended a workshop called Foundations, that opened my eyes to the idea that I was in charge of my life, that I was the way that I was because of choices I had made to get me there, & that I could get back to being who I truly was. I realized that there was a lot of me that was hidden. I realized that I had the power & the courage to reveal my true self. I also learned about personalities in a way I had never heard before.
During one of the Foundations workshops I attended, I was introduced to Personality Dimensions, a testing system based on research done on human motivation & behavior. When I first took the test that time, my results were very high in the Blue area, followed by low scores in the Orange, Gold & Green areas. The majority of my Blue traits had to do with feelings. They, mostly in their negative forms, almost completely influenced everything in my life. I was suffocating but didn't know there was a way out. I didn't know how to be balanced. Foundations helped me to see a lot of ways that I was holding myself back. It helped me to give myself permission to be free to be who I truly am. When I have taken the test again in the last few years I've noticed that my Blue started to make it's way more towards the middle & my other colors have started to come out of the shadows, in particular my Orange. The most recent test I took showed that my Blue & Orange are tied. That just feels right! Orange traits include spontanaity, flexibility, fun, & creativity. And that is totally me: I'm equally a feeling, relationship-based, artistic personality along with a spontaneous, flexible, fun-loving & creative personality. I love those things about me. I feel like those traits are what help me to live my purpose in life.
So that takes me back to my original conversation with my life coach about freedom. One of the downsides (if you want to call it that) of having a dual personality is that some aspects of each one can clash with each other. In my case it is my equal desire for deep relationships (which often require stability & stationary living) with my desire for freedom. And especially in my case, I find that one of my greatest needs is to maintain the balance between living the life I have created & still having what I desire. It's the kind of life that will require me to throw open the doors to possibilities because there is not a "conventional" way to do it. Trust me, I've tried & I've looked.
And that is one of the reasons why I love life coaching so much. It helps remind me of what I need to do when I'm feeling out of balance. In particular during our conversation, my life coach posed the question to me, "What would you do if I said that for the next 24 hours you were entirely free to do whatever you wanted?" I tell you, that question blew me away. There is so much there that it would take a several more blog entries to touch on it all.
I will note, however, that as a SAHM I have a unique situation, given my personality. On the one hand, I desire to create extremely intimate relationships with my children. I go the second & third & fourth miles. This isn't always beneficial, I'm learning. There has to be balance. I am letting go of a lot of expectations I had of myself. I cannot be perfect in my own eyes unless I change my perspective on perfection.
And on the other hand, I have this deep desire for freedom. I long to have days on end where I do as I please, where I am entirely responsible only for me. Where if I want to eat organic food, I myself must find a way to get it & I don't have to think about the limitations of a family & a house & bills & school & geography & money & chores. I want simplicity. And yet I also want complex relationships. I want freedom & yet I want to be tied to people.
So on days when I might be wanting the freedom a little more than the relationships, or when I haven't created enough balance between the 2 & am craving to get away from it all, I end up feeling ashamed of myself or embarrassed that I even think about these things. I say bad, bad things to myself, which only makes it worse. But, & I truly mean "But," I also have been starting to add good thoughts into the mix. Affirmations. Desires. Gratitudes. Life coaching has helped tremendously with that, as has Foundations. And I intend to keep growing in that area of my life as long as it continues to serve me.
In closing, I just want to say Thank You to those of you who read this. Thank you for taking the time to make an effort to understand me. Thank you for any positive thoughts you've had towards me as you were reading this. And thank you for any words or actions of support you've given me in the past & for those I know you will give me in the future. I am blessed to have this support in my life.

Alive!

2010-04-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

"Don't worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and do that. Because what the world needs, are people who have come alive." -- Dr. Howard Thurman

I read this quote this morning & am completely blown away. This is what motivates me, this is what moves me & inspires me to be a better person. Somewhere in the deepest part of my being I know that this is true for me & that I will be my best person when I feel alive & thrilled with living. That I will face each situation in my life with the most positive potential if I keep this intention first & foremost.

The words of my life purpose are: Connecting in Possibilities for the Highest Good. This quote describes the means by which I fulfill this purpose.

I know there are other perspectives out there. Some people have even blasted me for my beliefs. I've lost friends & respect over this. And yet I know without 1 single doubt that I must live my life this way. I've experienced this to be true for me without exception. Perhaps it is not what inspires every single person in the world. Never-the-less, I'm extremely grateful that it is what inspires me & is something I'm acutely aware of.

Inspiration

2010-04-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

It's almost the new moon - a time for new beginnings, new ideas, new inspiration, & putting out your desires to the Universe. I've really been inspired lately while reading Wooly Moss Roots, a blog about simple living. So I thought I'd share with you some of the things I've enjoyed reading about the most.

The Food - Taryn posts delicious pictures of simple, soulful meals she & Jeff cook, using local, organic, whole foods. Even the ones with meat have this sworn vegetarian wishing she could get over her meat aversion. :) And I am in love with the cookbook she often sites: Nourishing Traditions.

The Farm - Taryn & Jeff live on a beautiful country farm in central Oregon. They have dogs, cats, chickens & goats. They have a luscious garden & fruit trees. I swear their pictures come right from my dreams of what I want my life to be like.

The Philosophy - They live simply, work hard but not to the extreme, they love deeply, they enjoy life, they live by the seasons, & they exude true peace & happiness.

The People - Taryn & Jeff's love story is quite touching. They are bright, beautiful people, full of life & gratitude. I know I can visit their blog regularly for uplifting thoughts that encourage me to be my best self.

Thank you, Taryn & Jeff, for sharing Wooly Moss Roots with the world. Visit their ETSY store for beautiful jewelry, woodworking & more.

Universal Healing Energy

2010-02-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

A year ago one of my best friends ever came to visit. She gave me a book called Magick of Reiki by Christopher Penczak. And she said she experienced me as a healer. Intrigued, I read the book. I had never heard of Reiki before. In a nutshell, it is when a person accesses the healing energy of the universe & directs it to themselves, another person, plant, animal, stone, appliance or machine. Basically it is like laying of hands on a sick person, although you can also do it on someone who is well to promote further health. And I discovered the the type of magic the book was refering to was the Magick of mages, shamen & even witchcraft. I'll save the discussion of Magick for a separate post.

Back to Reiki. Sometime before all of this occurred, I had started to get a buzzing sensation in my hands. It would randomly start up & end. And I could not find anything that would make it go away. As I read the Reiki book I began to wonder if this sensation could be some sort of energy wanting to flow out of my hands. But then I read that most people need to be "attuned" in order to be able to give Reiki, although rarely a person is born already attuned, possibly in a past life. When I learned this, I felt confused. And I also felt very strongly that I did not want to be attuned. It wasn't that I was someone who might have been born attuned, nor was it that I wanted to be unique like those who don't need to be attuned. It was more along the lines of protecting the type of energy that I had going on because it was not exactly Reiki & getting attuned would make it Reiki. Does that make sense?

So while I did research more about Reiki & took an Intro to Reiki class, I did not take it further. But I did test my energy flow on myself occasionally & on dh. And I found that when my hands were buzzing away when I laid them flat on someones body the buzzing turned to a pleasant tingling along with a sensation of being suctioned to the body I was laying my hands on. It was & has continued to be the only thing that relieves the buzzing in my hands.

Fast forward to the present. The other day at Goodwill, I picked up a book called Reiki: Universal Life Energy by Bodo J. Baginski & Shalila Sharamon. It is old. Written in 1985 in German & translated later to English. It has quaint pencil drawings that remind me of Hippies. As I read this book, I was reminded of all I had learned about Reiki. And I was filled with a desire to learn more about what was going on with the energy buzzing in my hands. Last night I went to bed early & lay with my hands on my belly for about half an hour. I woke up this morning & again lay with my hands on my belly, letting the energy flow, for about 15 minutes. It felt right & relaxing. I'd like to make a habit of doing this every day.

The beautiful thing about Reiki is that the energy heals both physical & emotional problems. And it flows to wherever your body needs it, even if you are unaware of a problem. In Reiki: Universal Life Energy, the authors list physical & psychological symptoms or problems & the thoughts or actions that can cause them. I was particularly drawn to the section on stomach problems because that is the main physical problem I am dealing with right now & am also in the middle of the treatment of. Over & over it said that problems in the stomach are caused by a lack of opening up one's self to life & the world, & of finding the value in life. This has been so true for me as I have been a very negative person for the majority of my life. Only in the last few years have I attempted to change that.

Within the stomach problems section, the paragraph on Gastric Ulcers especially stood out to me. I just had the thought that I am in the part of treatment right now specifically for healing the lining of my stomach, so no wonder this part stood out to me. Every word is so meaningful that I will just share the whole quote with you. "Gastric Ulcers occur when a person cannot vent his feelings and aggressions and turns them on himself instead. This is a kind of self-destruction, for the stomach starts to be digested by its own gastric juices. Accept your feelings and stop avoiding conflicts. Open yourself up to impressions from the outside and consciously digest them and accept your aggressions, too. Admit to your yearning for motherly protection and warmth as well as your desire to be loved and cared for."

When I lay last night & this morning with my hands on my belly, thoughts about this kept swirling through my head. Open up. Let go. Relax.

It reminds me of a seminar I once took a few months after The Hoogs was born. It was called Birthing From Within, by Pam England. It was all about natural childbirth but it was also about birthing yourself & knowing yourself deeper. The one idea that resonated with me the most, & that I have continually carried with me to this day, is the way she taught us to "release our belly." I have found that most of the time I have the muscles of my abdomen tightly squeezed even when the rest of my body might be relaxed. I have to consciously relax these muscles. And when I first learned this technique I was still very self conscious about my body & worried that I might look fat if I did not hold my stomach in. So I would only "release my belly" in private. WTF!!! No wonder I have stomach problems! My poor belly was always scrunched up in fear & self loathing that it could not do it's job properly!

So I've decided to start letting go a lot more, opening myself up to life, & believing in the goodness of whatever happens to me. And yes, I do yearn for motherly protection & warmth for myself, & I do desire to be loved & cared for. And I will make my best effort to stop beating myself up for having these desires. I will talk sweet talk to my belly, relax my muscles, give whatever energy is flowing through my hands to my belly daily & love myself in all the ways I want to be loved.

*A million thank-you's to my beautiful & precious friend, LaVonne, for introducing me to Reiki.

SAHMAM - Surprised!

2010-01-23T15:20:00.000-08:00

The posts have been spotty lately because I've been dealing with some health issues & have just not felt up to posting to be honest. Hopefully soon all will be on its way to being resolved.

In the meantime, I'm just popping in to say that my own mother, who was a SAHM herself, sneakily connived with my brother to make me a delicious meal today. Vegetarian "Fri-chik" Potpie! So yummy! And the reason? She wanted me to know how much she appreciates me being a SAHM & wanted me to enjoy a home cooked meal that I didn't have to make myself. Awww!!! Thanks, Mom!! (And my brother!) I'm feeling the looooove!!!!

SAHMAM - Perks

2010-01-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

"By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class." Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift From The Sea as quoted in Time Out: Soul Talk for Stay-At-Home Moms by Vera Nicholas-Gervais.

Let's talk about perks. Let's say that instead of SAHMotherhood being something that you simply choose to do, you must apply for the position like a regular job. Expectant mothers fill out an application & wait for a call to be interviewed. At the interview, they are asked about why they want to be a SAHM & what they expect to accomplish & gain from such a position. They are asked about their strengths & weaknesses. The bottom line is though that chances are no one can do the job of SAHM better than each mother for her family.

So then it is the mothers' turn to ask questions about the position. They start by asking about the salary range & if there are chances for promotions along the way. The answer is, a SAHM does not get a regular monetary salary. She does have an emotion salary, however it is erratic & undependable, & sometimes she will feel like she is actually paying an emotional salary to her family. As for the chances for promotion, she is told she can expect sometimes gradual & sometimes rapid changes in job duties & responsibilities, usually with little to no training other than pure instinct & common sense (which may not be reliably present in the first few month of motherhood due to an extreme lack of sleep).

Next she asks about sick days, personal days, & vacation time. She is told that she is only allowed sick days if she is unable to get up or has to be hospitalized. All other ailments must be dealt with while doing her other duties & if she feels she needs help she must make those arrangements on her own time. It is made clear that neither the hiring company nor anyone else will be responsible for helping her make up for any slack that might be caused by a sickness that does not force her to remain in bed. Occasionally, if she is lucky, she might have a partner or relative who is both willing & available to help take some of this slake, however she is told to not expect to be able to rely on their help every time she is under the weather. And the same goes for personal days. If she is dealing with emotional issues or "drama" she will NOT be cut any slack by the company nor society in general. The only ones who will understand will be other SAHMs but they will generally not be able to help other than to sympathize because they have their own responsibilities. The exception to this is if a life threatening illness or death occurs in a close family relationship.

As for vacations, she will be required to continue her duties & responsibilities during all family vacations. Rare overnight trips with her partner will be accepted if she makes all the arrangements for her children & home to be taken care of while she is away. She will not be compensated in any way by the company for the time off. And the maximum time allowed is 2 nights. Any more & she will have to pay an extra "guilt" fee. Vacations alone or with her friends are frowned upon. If she insists on taking this type of vacation, she will have to pay a double "guilt" fee for each night away. Then she will have to put in extra efforts (not hours because she is already on call 24/7) to deal with the effects of her absence on her children &/or home.

The mothers' next question is about the position's hours. When do they start & end, & what sorts of breaks are provided? They are answered that they must be on call 24/7 & on active duty from the moment they wake up until the moment they fall asleep. Breaks are not scheduled in & if they absolutely need to go to the bathroom or get some coffee they must figure out a way to do it at minimal expense to their children & duties since there is no one to cover for them while they are away. Meals must be treated the same way. They are encouraged to "graze" throughout the day, eating the left-overs off their children's plates while standing over the kitchen sink after clearing off the table. If they sit down to eat with the family they must eat as quickly as possible, always interrupting themselves when their children need something. Sneaking chocolate from the cupboard is frowned upon but tolerated if it is done discretely & infrequently.

Then the mothers ask if there are any other perks. Yes, but they will be fleeting & you will only get to enjoy them randomly & usually unexpectedly. Given the amount of time you are in the company of your children, your chances of experiencing parts of their wonder & magic will be greatly increased. You will hear more "I love you's" & get more hugs & kisses. You will be the recipient of more kid art. You will also get to see more of the moments when your children show their growth & maturity. You will feel more connected to your children & like you are better able to understand their needs. You will also feel a greater satisfaction in knowing that you had more time to be influential in their lives. You will wipe more tears & kiss more "booboo's." And yet all of this will be bittersweet because sometimes you will be torn with uncertainties, insecurities & guilt, despite all you do. But the greatest perk will be a deep rooted satisfaction that you are answering the call of your soul to be a SAHM & that even if you don't meet all your personal expectations or those of societies, you still believe in your heart that your children & home are better off having you be a SAHM than not.

The mothers nod in agreement & sign the contract.

Oh mothers, you bring me to tears of gratitude!

SAHMAM - Boredom

2010-01-11T11:40:00.000-08:00

"The more your intelligence exceeds your job requirement, the greater your boredom." Vera Nicholas-Gervais in "Time Out: Soul Talk for Stay-At-Home Moms"

How often this is the truth for SAHMs! A lot of us have been to college, even grad school. Some of us have traveled or apprenticed or written books. And while becoming a mother requires knowledge beyond what is taught in schools, a lot of the time it comes naturally to us. Mothering makes sense & is mostly easy to learn when you become a mother. However most of the time what we learn as mothers is not based on all of the education we have or life experience we've gone through. And when we have this huge portion of our brains that must consistently be put to the side in favor of rudimentary impulses, it can leave us feeling a whole lot of not so great emotions from boredom & guilt to frustration & anger.

If you are not a SAHM, have you ever considered what it is that SAHMs give up intellectually? When speaking about Postpartum Depression, Nicholas-Gervais quotes Anne Roiph in "Fruitful: A Real Mother in the Modern World." "Postpartum depressions are about anger, hidden rage, turned on the self and sometimes on the baby. ...Women were angry at their collective position in society. These severe baby blues reflect a woman's grief at losing what she has believed to be a part of herself. The separation that birth entails is painful for some women, who once again face the aloneness of their human state and feel angry at the baby for causing this pain. ...But these feelings also arise because a woman who becomes a mother has in reality diminished herself in many ways."

And I would add that a SAHM is knowingly prolonging the time that she diminishes herself in these ways because often her sense of self is expressed mainly by her profession or life work other than raising children. This is especially true of SAHMs who were professionals prior to becoming mothers. And I can only imagine the distress of SAHMs who were surprised with an unexpected pregnancy in the midst of their career. Major kudos to them for choosing to stay at home! (No offense to those who choose to go back to work. It seems that there are lots of avenues of support for those mothers that I suggest they seek out. This blog is to support those who choose to stay at home.)

So, while it is one of the many responsibilities of a SAHM to make sure she finds ways to be intellectually stimulated, I would also like to suggest to the general population that you keep in mind that SAHMs need to be supported in this. When you're with a group of friends that includes a SAHM, be sure to involve her in the conversation. Or offer to watch her kids for an hour each week so she can meet with a book club. Invite her on that day trip to a museum or art gallery. Ask her opinion about something she has knowledge about. Look at her pictures of her travels & listen to her stories. Find out what her life purpose is & see if you can help her put it to use.

SAHMAM - The Myth of Super Mom

2010-01-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

I have some 'splainin' to do. Even after reading "Time Out: Soul Talk for Stay-At-Home Moms" I still struggle with feeling guilty & lazy for choosing to be a SAHM. How could that possibly be, you ask. Especially after the strongly-supportive-of-SAHMs posts I've written so far. Well, I admit that there is part of me that continues to take this on because of my own issues. I do this in other areas of my life as well. That said, I also believe that our culture encourages SAHMs to feel this way about themselves & their choice of job.

And yes, the book's author, Vera Nicholas-Gervais, mentions it throughout her book. These words stuck out to me: "One of contemporary society's rawest deals to stay-at-home moms is the widely-entrenched view that mothers should be able to fulfill the multiple roles of primary caregivers, moral educators, and carefree playmates of their children without batting an eye. This notion is hopelessly amplified in the lives of stay-at-home moms because we chose to be at home with our kids. Since we "get" to stay home and not go to an office, we hardly have the right to complain about it. This is what we do."

She goes on to say, "This is shakily fine with us until the day we realize how sick we are of having to do it all all the time... And we resist the urge to subcontract too much of our parenting work - to a husband, relative, friend, or babysitter - as somehow copping out. we don't want t ask too much. We don't want to look like we're falling apart, when really we are."

Then she quotes Dr. Cristiane Northrup, authority in women's health, as saying, "having young children was - bar none - the most taxing part of my life, a time that I wouldn't care to repeat again unless I had two beloved nannies, sisters, or friends living with me full time to help with child care."

What most people don't realize is that SAHMs of the current & last few generations are drastically different than those of 100 years ago & prior. Besides the fact that we have modern technology to "assist" us in everything from healthcare to education to home appliances, we lack something which was elemental to raising children for pretty much the duration of humanity. And that is intentional community living, where groups of people lived with each other & were part of each other's everyday & intimate life. In fact, even today many cultures around the world still practice this. For some reason though, perhaps having to do with an Age of Independence or self-sustaining ideas, people like Americans have become more & more individually minded. Privacy is desired. We are the culture of super-humans. And yet mothers are faced with increasing risk of postpartum depression & psychosis, & that is when they are usually the most supported by society!

From my own experience, I didn't get postpartum depression even though I was at higher risk for it because I had had depression before getting pregnant. I got *post* postpartum depression. And while I really can't say what specifically caused it, I certainly know what made it worse & that was the feelings of being alone & having the cultural expectations of motherhood close in around me. It was a cycle. I would feel either depressed or alone & overwhelmed. Either one of these would bring me to feel the other more accutely. And then it would go on & on until one or the other was removed & i would begin to see the light again.

Aside from being under appreciated & over worked, SAHMs face a constant expectation from society to feel bad about themselves for failing to be super moms. When in fact, I would argue that it is nigh impossible to fulfill societal expectations of SAHMs in their current cultural state of isolation from live-in community or at the very least, friendly neighbors & a trusted relative living down the street.

And so for those of you who are in the position to be supportive of SAHMs, I want to leave you with a suggestion today. Find one SAHM in your community that you can make a commitment to supporting regulary. Some ideas for ways to provide this support are: wash, dry & put away all the dishes, offer to watch the baby/children while she takes a shower, bring by or show up & cook dinner, show up during nap time & put the kettle on for tea after assuring her that you will do whatever tasks she had hoped to get done during naptime, pick her up along with the stroller & kidlets & go on a walk together, clean her bathroom(s). I'd like to suggest that you make a schedule of when you will be doing these things & include her in the planning. There is nothing so lovely to a SAHM than knowing she will have help at a specific time. It motivates her to keep going. And let me tell you that if someone offered to do something like that for me, especially when my kids were younger, I would probably sob like a baby, as I'm sure would pretty much any other SAHM out there.

An act like one of the ones I suggested above says to the SAHM that you care about her, you believe in her reasoning to become a SAHM (for the kids! not for all the chores), that she is not alone, & that she will make it through & have enough strength in her to continue to be the amazing mother that she is. It also says that you care about the future of humanity & want to make the world a better place. Trust me, you would be a hero.

And for you SAHMs, resist the pressure to have to be a super mom. Invite the possibilities of community into your life. Let down a bit of your guard. Don't be so ashamed of not having a sparkling clean house & let people help you. I tell this to myself often. In fact, I need to remind myself of it this very week. What seems to hinder my progress is losing track of what I really want: being able to spend quality time with my children. *Not* having a spotless house. If I'm so worn out from doing the bare minimum - dishes, laundry, baths, cooking - I won't be available when it comes time to interact with my children. And I must also keep in mind that if I don't tend to my own personal needs I will not be able to give to my children's needs either. I have to be open to the idea that I must have help in these other areas if I am going to get what I want & what I believe my children need. I must stop letting society dictate what is most important in my life.

So get out there & build some intimate community. Pay it forward. Build good karma. Invest in the future. Change the present for the better.

SAHMAM - A Woman in Uniform

2010-01-06T12:08:00.000-08:00

Today I want to talk about an aspect of being a SAHM that isn't talked about much. In "Time Out: Soul Talk for Stay-At-Home Moms," Vera Nicholas-Gervais calls it "Environmental & Relationship Policing." To me, this is one of the most difficult aspects of being a SAHM. She describes part of it in the following quote. "Your beat is a busy one. One of your main duties is to cruise the streets and alleys of your home to ensure that your crawling babies and marauding toddlers do not get into things that are dangerous. This sounds simple but is not. You need to maintain this kind of vigilance all day every day. At the office, no one is expected to work at peak efficiency all day. At home, you are."

And not only that, but consider the domestic disputes aspect of it. SAHMs constantly are on the lookout for disturbances between the relationships of their children & others. Most of the time that means sibling rivalry, teaching of social skills like sharing, or making sure that your children don't clobber each other. Sometimes this means having to protect your children from abusive relationships, often your very own relatives. The toll on a mother's heart can be pretty heavy.

Nicolas-Gervais continues, "It's a crushing responsibility to even think that without your intervention here or there, harmful or even fatal mishaps could occur." So. Very. True. Think about how many times SAHMs rescue their children from harm or even save their children's lives. Now think about this: a few weeks ago my dh who works in law enforcement felt inspired to drop by our local police station & bring them some baked goodies. I fully support him showing his appreciation & respect. And I've heard many similar stories of law enforcement officers being thanked in various ways. They even make it onto the news sometimes! However, if you are a SAHM, when was the last time you received such a show of gratitude & respect? And for those who aren't SAHMs, when was the last time you professed your appreciation & respect for a SAHM you know?

I would wager to say that this kind of thinking rarely occures in the general population. And yet I would also wager to say that SAHMs' work is just as physically & mentally exhausting (& needed!) if not more, than law enforcement officers. And the officers get to punch out on the timeclock on a regular basis, as well as take vacations & sick days. We'll discuss that more in detail in another post.

The bottom line is, SAHMs deserve much more gratitude & respect than they are given. Make the opportunity today to thank a SAHM in your social circle specifically for her commitment to her children's safety. Ask her what she has done recently to keep her children safe, physically & emotionally, & applaud her efforts. Those children are the next generation of humanity. Think of how much better our world will be if they have been raised in a safe & secure home by a mother who gives generously of her physical & mental capacities to create such for them.

And then stop by later with some donuts.

SAHMAM - What's for dinner?

2010-01-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

And there you have it: the most pressing dilema of my work day. Breakfast I can usually handle because I'm fresh & for some reason our culture has approved of eating breakfasts that consist of the same things over & over: cold cereal, hot cereal, eggs, toast, fruit. Sometimes I rail against the mainstream & serve vegetable soup. But the point is, breakfast is usually a no-brainer.

Lunch is a bit more difficult but usually I can find a vegetable & grain to serve. It's the protein that makes it difficult, especially since I have picky eaters & we're vegetarian. Also, I have a list of self imposed "rules" for what I feel comfortable feeding my family. While this makes it really hard sometimes, I make up for it in knowing that my family eats healthier than almost everyone else out there. So HAH! But I'll save that for another post.

So that brings us to dinner. Here is what Vera Nicholas-Gervais says about it in her book "Time Out: Soul Talk for Stay-At-Home Moms." "Occasionally, especially if you're not thinking straight that day, you might even have the sudden urge to sweep all those toys under the sofa, pour a glass of wine, set the table with candles, and prepare an actual adult meal for you and your husband to enjoy when he gets home. But usually you catch yourself and think better of this, hoping instead that he might walk in the door and offer to whip up something delicious while you take a breather. Then you laugh so hard your stomach hurts and say to yourself, 'Dream on. honey." And you pick up that phone and give your husband three choices. Pick up a pizza on the way home. Think about what you want to order in when you get home. or tell me which kid-friendly restaurant you want to meet me at."

She goes on to say, "But I digress. I know that most nights you Just Do It. You get the kids fed, get down on your hands and knees and wipe up that leftover macaroni and squashed banana, bathe the kids, and then sit down at some point with your husband to a romantic microwaved dinner. Some nights you eat better, more creatively, the result of ten minutes' advance thought and preparation. More often it's just whatever's handy, whatever's easy. But you pull it off, night after night, week after week, month after month, which is downright ironic, considering you used to cook as a hobby."

And she's right. We do occasionally order a $5 Moto pizza, stop by New Seasons Market for a fresh, mostly organic stir-fry, or hit up Ochoa's Mexican Grill which is within walking distance & from which we can order an entire meal for 4 of beans, rice, tortillas, guacamole, salsa, chopped onions & cilantro, & radishes for under $10. But I try to save those for emergencies, especially the Moto pizza as it always gives me the worst stomach cramps! The point is, most of the time I have to figure out what to make for dinner. And usually it is during the time of day that I am the most worn out, stressed out, & have the least patience & creativity, while having the most need for a warm meal quickly, & it also happens to coincide with our children's most fussy moments. And yet it gets done, somehow. And even though the thought of all those dinners stretching out before me is daunting, I know they will get done too. I know I will have the strength & creativity to pull it off. I know I am choosing to create that in myself as do all other SAHMs. We dig deep & use strength we didn't know we had until then.

SAHM Appreciation Month

2010-01-04T13:35:00.000-08:00

I'd like to proclaim January 2010 Stay-at-Home Mom Appreciation Month! I will be posting quotes from the book, "Time Out: Soul Talk for the Stay-At-Home Moms" by Vera Nicholas-Gervais. And maybe a few thoughs of my own. So thank you to all the SAHMs out there, myself included, for the amazing job you do for the betterment of your children, your community & the whole world. You are making a difference!

From the chapter entitled "Superwoman" Nicholas-Gervais writes, "In addition to being mothers, stay-at-home moms keep households running, organize playgroups, take turns watching the kids of other stay-at-home friends, nurture friendships with these woman and maintain ties with others, make trips to hospital emergency wards, make routine visits to the pediatrician's office, run to get prescriptions filled, pamper sick husbands, host relatives and friends and husbands' business contacts, plan and host birthday parties for their children, drive their kids to other kids' birthday parties, drive kids everywhere for everything, walk the dog, plant flowers, and keep the yard up."

She continues, "In addition to being mothers, stay-at-home moms help run their communities, form committees, sit on committees, get elected, go to parent-teacher interviews, bake cookies for bakesales, do volunteer work, run businesses from home, and run cars around for oil changes and car washes."

After I read this I went back to see how much of these activities I actually do. I started checking things off & realized I do every single activity listed there except the oil changes & car washes (thanks to DH, bless his heart!). And I'm sure many of you SAHMs could add twice as much more to that list. She talks more about this in other parts of her book, however I thought it would be a nice starting place.

So stop for a minute & think about all that SAHMs do. Realize what a blessing they are & what a special job they do. And if you are a SAHM mom yourself or were one when your children were growing up, take a minute to hold yourself in gratitude for what you are doing or what you did. Although it is one of the most thank-less jobs out there (I'm working on changing that!) you still did it or are doing it. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Universe Love - 5.14.09

2009-12-15T15:26:00.000-08:00

This was one of my favorite Christian songs back in the day. We had it playing during & after Lala's birth. I feel incredibly special to have been reminded of this today. Thank you, Universe & the GODESS in me!!!

Michelle Tumes - Heaven's Heart

How can I resist such tender love
Deeper than the deep blue sea
Love as constant as the morning tide
Let You love wash over me
Let You love wash over
How can I resist such gentle love
Whispered on the evening breeze
Love as soothing as the moonlight
Let Your love shine down on me
Let Your love shine down

Heaven's hope was written in the stars
Before the mark of time
Your heart and mine were destined to entwine
you're calling, calling, calling to me
And I'm falling into love
Sweet love, so heavenly

I feel Your presence all around me
With me everywhere I go
Through the road I take may wander
Love will always lead me home
Love will always lead
It's a deep and wondrous thing
This mystery I know
I feel heaven reaching out inside my soul

Heaven's hope was written in the stars
Before the mark of time
Your heart and mine were destined to entwine
you're calling, calling, calling to me
And I'm falling into love
Sweet love, so heavenly

On Depression - 5.28.09

2009-12-15T15:12:00.000-08:00

I've often struggled to explain what it's like to be depressed because when I'm not experiencing it I tend to downplay the feelings & symptoms. So right now I am in the midst of a pretty major bout of depression & I thought I should write about it to help people understand what it is like.

Yesterday I spent the day at a friend's house & when I got home late in the afternoon I could tell I was spiraling down. My first sign that I'm going into an episode of depression is that I don't feel like doing anything. I lose motivation to do even the slightest tasks. I also lose my desire to do fun things or enjoyable activities. The next sign is that I start to have a lot more negative thoughts, especially about things that normally would be positive or neutral.

So when I got home yesterday I sat down & felt miserable about making dinner, watching the kids, & doing anything that required me to get up. Usually when Dh, my brother, & my housemate get home I feel better. This is because I am very extroverted & being around people energizes & motivates me. Last night my next clue that I was depressed was that even after everyone got home I still felt drained.

I did not enjoy eating dinner, I dreaded when dh would leave for his weekly men's group, & everything I looked at seemed to be a huge mountain of a chore waiting for me to do. Washing dishes seemed daunting, getting the girls ready for bed felt like running a marathon, even watering the garden, which is usually something I enjoy, felt useless.

And that is the next level I go to with my depression. After the initial descent into negativity, I go to this place where I feel like nothing I do matters, everything is hopeless, nothing will help make things better, & everything I do is useless & futile. This is one of the worst places for me to be emotionally. I take a mental beating from myself when I am in this place. My body actually hurts from the shame & disgust I have for myself. My throat is tight & my teeth are clenched. My shoulders slump & my neck strains to hold up my bowed head. My back muscles spasm from the tension. And you don't want to know what it does to the insides of my body.... Think about how you would feel if 9 out of 10 of your thoughts were about self hatred & this went on for24, even 48 hours. It is devistating. Sometimes I feel like I would do anything to escape & at the same time feel like there IS no escape.

I went to bed last night in the middle of all these feelings, physical & emotional. This morning I woke up & my body ached all over. I felt rage coursing through me, at myself, for being flawed & depressed. I despised getting out of bed. I felt no joy at seeing the clear blue sky & sunshine. My mind does not allow me to feel joy & I get so angry at it... it is a horrible cycle which I know keeps me depressed longer & yet I feel powerless against it when I am in the depression. Depression is a disease of hopelessness.

I just want someone to come along & fix me. Honestly. I know how codependant that sounds, how unhealthy, how needy. And yet, when I am depressed I am desparate. I despise my neediness & dysfunction & yet I would totally do it if only I could escape from this horrible pit of hopelessness. I hate it with a passion. Anger is the only thing that feels slightly better than being depressed, so maybe that is why I go there so much when I'm depressed.

If you know me well, then you will know that most of the time I am a fun-loving, spontaneous & caring person. I'm capable & giving. And most of all, I'm not the horribly dysfunctional & needy person that I feel like I am when I am depressed. In fact, I know how to control my depression most of the time & I know in my heart that I am a good person who is able to practice healthy self-care. The problem is those occasional days when my depression gets the better of me. I feel like a different person on those days. Have you ever felt like you have a little demon inside you that every once in awhile comes out & takes control of your mind? Hopefully not. Unfortunately that is what I feel like when I'm depressed.

My goal here was to help explain to people who haven't experienced depression what it is like. If you are one of those people I hope this has been useful for you. And hopefully it will help you understand & be more supportive of the people in your life who have this disease.

And if you are someone who experiences depression feel free to leave a comment on what it is like for you to feel depressed.

Nourished - Fall 2006

2009-12-15T14:59:00.000-08:00

Hungry breaths
Fists of squeezable skin
Letdown in the sounds of a harmonica
Tingling waves of shrivels
Great gulps
Each breath barely squashed in between
After the rush
slowing down
drowsy
and a little bell rings now & then
reminding me she's just mostly asleep

I wrote this poem when Hoogie was about 6 months old & just recently found it in my archives.

The Power of Positive Thinking - 10.23.09

2009-12-15T14:51:00.000-08:00

During the spring of last year I signed up to volunteer helping plan the girls' school annual Harvest Faire. Little did I know (or did I??) that I had actually signed up for SO. MUCH. MORE!!! Things progressed normally during the summer & into the beginning of this school year. Then, about 4 weeks before the Faire was to take place, I was given the opportunity to take over as the main event coordinator. On top of that the other event planners had been inspired to take the Faire in a different direction than we had been going previously. We were starting over from scratch in several key areas. After a brief freaking out period, I decided to jump in with both feet. This is something that is both very much in & very much out of my comfort zone. I do have natural leadership qualities & am excellent at brainstorming & coming up with ideas, however I have always struggled to feel good enough to take over as a strong leader. I would have to face this issue over & over again & each time make a choice to believe in myself, my team, the school, & the power of positive thinking.

After literally spending days on the computer, sometimes with 50 emails per day, overcoming my ever present fear of calling people, gathering every last Gold/organizational fiber within my being, & solving myriad of problems, we were down to the last week. The event was to be held on a Saturday afternoon. On Thursday I met with my vendor coordinator & the school director to discuss the weather forecast which at that point said there was a 90% chance of rain for Saturday. We decided to take some time to contemplate the issues & agreed to re-evaluate that evening. We called as many vendors as we could get ahold of & asked them what their thoughts were. Amazingly they were overwhelmingly positive & wished to carry on with the event as planned. I had a strong feeling that we should hold the event as well & that there would be much goodness in it for us a individuals, as a community, & for the school. The school director brought the issue to the faculty meeting that evening & they decided that we would take the risk of holding the event. Their trust & belief that we could do it & that it would be a good thing really touched my heart & I still get chills thinking about it.

We pushed forward for our all day work party on Friday setting everything up & starting the decorations. Everyone was bringing all the positive energy for weather that we could muster. The weather forcasted was unusually heavy rain starting at about 11am on Friday & continuing through the night & all day Saturday, which was up to 100% chance of rain on Saturday along with thunder & lightening. What actually occured was a few showers around midday on Friday followed by dryness for the rest of the day, though the night & all morning on Saturday. We had a heavy shower from about 10:30am until noon on Saturday but the rest of the day was BEAUTIFUL! It was magical & miraculous. Look at the pictures from the slideshow & you will feel at least a little something mystical & wonderful of what was floating around that afternoon. I had a perpetual smile on my face the whole time. It was like the clouds parted around our property.

The other amazing thing that happened is this: we are on our third year of holding this event & in the past it has been a wonderful event that really reached out to the public community, however unfortunately it never made money & even cost us money sometimes. This year we made several THOUSAND dollars!!! We believed we could do it & we did!!!!! At a time when businesses & individuals alike are struggling financially we actually made an amazing profit. I feel all blushed with the pleasure of being a part of this miracle. I think the most miraculous thing of all is that I feel like I allowed myself to believe in the possibilities, especially those that seemed impossible, but that I somehow knew & chose to continue to believe were for our higher good.

The week before the Faire I had session with my Life Coach (who is amazing, by the way) & we discussed my life purpose. I've spent quite a bit of time in the past figuring out what my purpose is & how I can live that better. In the last year though I've realized that sometimes new things come out & I make new discoveries about myself that help clarify things even better. So that is why I wished to revisit the topic. We talked about what it is that I'm really good at & what I really enjoy & want. I gave several examples of times when I felt like I really was living my life purpose & then we talked about giving words to this purpose. I had mentioned the word "Possibilities" at the beginning & we already agreed that I definitely need to connect with others on some level for it to fit. The only other aspect I felt needed to be expressed was that I always want to use my purpose for the Higher Good. So what we came up with was this: "Connecting in Possibilities for the Higher Good."

What I realized is that doing what I did to help with the Faire was very clearly living my life purpose & that feels REALLY GOOD!!! I am so incredibly grateful to have chosen to take this opportunity into my life. It changed me for the better & it changed our school for the better in so many ways. I am also grateful for all those I was able to better connect with & discuss these possibilities. Thank you for believing in me.

Here is the link for the slideshow.

About the last year-ish

2009-06-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted any updates recently partly because I've started using (getting addicted to) Facebook, & partly because I didn't want to jinx what was happening. Neither a truly good reason to neglect blogging. So... Dh & I actually found a way to get back together about a month after I posted my last update where I officially let the world know we were separated. Hmmmb.... Ok. Still following me? For my goldy friends (you know who you are) here is a chronological list of what happened:
2006 - We start having problems.
April 2007 - We realize they are super problems & dh wants to separate.
July 2007 - Dh moves out.
August 2007 - We ignore each other on what would have been our 9 year wedding anniversary.
September 2007 - We get back together for a week.
October 2007 - We separate again & I move out of our condo & into an apartment I can afford. Dh moves back into our condo.
April 2008 - We move back in together to save money. Still relationally separated.
June 2008 - We fly to Canada for 2 weeks when Dh's mom is diagnosed with Leukemia.
August 2008 - We spend our 10 year anniversary separate, Dh is in Canada again with his mom. We have a brief conversation where I tell him that if we can't make things work by the end of September then I will officially end the relationship & any possibility of us getting back together. When he returns from Canada we discuss in depth all the reason why we are separated & what we each want in order to get back together. We realize that we actually both want the same thing & cautiously agree to get back together.
September 2008 - We spend a few "newlywed" weeks together. Then we get the call that Dh's mom's treatments have not worked & she is going home. We make a very difficult decision to move our entire family to Eastern Canada to be with her.
October 2008 - We "move" to Canada. Dh's aunt, sister to his mom, passes away of Cancer while we are there.
November 2008 - Dh's mom passes away the day I leave with the girls to return to the States. Dh stays for the funeral. I spend 2 weeks recouperating at my parents' house in So. Cal.
December 2008 - We are reunited as a family. Dh's other aunt, his mom's brother's wife, dies of cancer. It feels like we've all been through hell.
February 2009 - Thanks to my wonderful father-in-law, Dh & I spend our first vacation together, sans the kids, in Nicaragua for 4 days. I feel like there is once again hope for our relationship.
March 2009 - Dh invites me to attend a work conference with him in Seattle. We spend significant time talking about our dreams & goals in life.
May 2009 - We attend the Foundations Couples Workshop & make significant progress on our relationship. Yay! We're on our way!

Random Inspiration

2009-06-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

Sweet nothingness in the midst of power
Holding on to love & freedom
Can't let go, can release... slowly
Casual? Or orchids' perfume
Sliding, grinding, lurking
Freeing my mind, fulfilled of emptiness
So many uses and bruises
Tons and bricks and cruises
Smiling at little nothings, nothingnesses
Sweet nothingness

It's that time of month again...

2008-12-10T14:11:00.000-08:00

Things That Do Not Go Well With PMS:

Tight jeans (which means the jeans that fit you the rest of the month)
Children
Holiday spirit
Zits
Worrying about whether you remembered protection on the right days or not
Depression
Grey skies
Slow drivers
Budgets

Things That Go Well With PMS:

Carbs
Chocolate
Parties with friends who love you even when you feel fat, ugly & moody
Eating second helpings
Crying
Yelling
Bitching
Children who take extra long naps
Husbands who get up with the toddler so you can night wean

Thanks to June Cleaver for this great post idea!

FYI

2008-07-31T15:35:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize that some of my life circumstances might not be as well known as I had thought. So I would like to clarify a few things. I apologize if this comes as a shock to some of you. It wasn't meant to be a secret necessarily, just something that I didn't usually mention in conversation.

1. Dh & I have been having major marital problems for awhile now. We separated about a year ago. We are living in the same household right now due to financial difficulties, however we are still relationally separated.

2. I am not currently attending church. I have not considered myself an Adventist for about 2 years. I do not consider myself a Christian either. I believe in a God. I don't know much about that God right now. This is a necesssary movement away from religion & hopefully toward true spirituality; away from legalism, fear & shame, & toward a place where I can be free to have a relationship with God.

These are both loaded statements. I am not inviting discussion of these statements for they are just that: statements of where I am, not requests for advice on where I should be. If you would like to support me & where I am at I welcome words of support. Thank you for understanding & respecting me.

Core Issue

2008-07-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

Dh made Lala microwaved mac n cheese for dinner. = I feet angry because I feel like the burden of feeding healthy food to the girls falls mostly on me. = I feel sad & scared that TL (our housemate who is a lady with my same personality & who I spend lots of time talking to every day) might move out & I would have to spend my days alone again. = I long for & desire community to spend my time with. = I realize that things like being a 100% extrovert (extrovert: personality that is energized & motivated by being around people vs. being alone) & having the love language of gifts sometimes feel more like a curse. = I realize that I feel like there is something wrong with me because I am an extrovert & have the love language of gifts. = Once again I am faced with my core issue: feeling like I am never good enough.
*sigh*
Someone comment please...

Old School or whatever it is

2008-07-29T15:24:00.000-07:00

I was looking through old back up CDs & found a bunch of old music I used to listen to. Talk about nostalgia. The first song I heard was Bryan Adams' All I Want Is You. I used to listen to that on my *ahem* Walkman while I was rollerblading. It just happens to be the perfect song to listen to while rollerblading. And yeah, I think I looked pretty cool. Well, so did all the guys, although that could be argued as being a bit invalid due to the fact that I lived in Mexico at the time & any blond haired, light eyed 15 year old girl on rollerblades with a walkman was pretty damn cool. I'm still biased though & when I think about myself then I am pretty happy with the memories.

I'm here

2008-06-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is
I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause
I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

~Leona Lewis

Coming to Awareness

2008-04-07T21:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight I listened to this song after not having listened to it for a few months. I used to listen to it a lot last year while driving to my counseling appointments. I would always take it in the context that it was something or someone other than myself who was doing the saving, most likely a divine figure or a group of people acting on behalf of a divine figure. And something always felt just not quite right about that but because I loved the song & most of the lyrics & I really was in such a state, as the song speaks to, of needing saving, I would ignore the feeling. When I listened to it tonight it was so clear that it was me all along who was saving me. I did it. I brought myself to where I am now. I kicked some serious ass. I worked so hard to turn the worst year of my life into the best one. And if divinity was gracious enough to bestow the ability to do that upon me, then I will accept that. However, I know that no matter how big or wonderful of a God it was that gave me the ability to get where I am, I still am the one who took it & ran with it & put the blood, sweat & tears into it. And whenever I think about that I’m amazed & proud of all that I have become.

Artist: Mana
Album: Amar Es Combatir
Title: Tú Me Salvaste
Eso es he tocado fondo,
Y no se como salir,
de este abismo,
Tengo el alma destrozada,
Siento que no puedo seguir,
Estoy perdido.

Tú me salvaste del infierno,
volví a nacer,
Cuando no crei en nada,
volví a creer,
Sanarás mi pesar,
tu amor lo va a vencer,
Tú me salvaste del infierno.

Alterados mis sentidos,
No recuerdo que es reír,
No soy el mismo,
Deprimido, confundido,
No quedan ganas de vivir,
Porque Dios mío.

Tú me salvaste del infierno,
volví a nacer,
Cuando no crei en nada,
volví a creer,
Sanarás mi pesar,
tu amor lo va a vencer,
Tú me salvaste del infierno.

Gracias por llegar a mí,
Gracias por estar aquí,
Yo jure, que era mi fin.
Gracias por amarme, así,
Gracias por estar, aquí,
No se que haría sin ti.

Tú me salvaste del infierno,
volví a nacer,
Cuando no creí en nadie,
me hiciste creer,
Sanarás mi pesar,
tu amor lo va a vencer,
Me salvaste del infierno,
Solo tú puedes salvarme.

Tú me salvaste del infierno,
volví a nacer,
Cuando no creí en nada,
volví a creer,
Sanarás mi pesar,
tu amor lo va a vencer,
Me salvaste del infierno.

Did you know?

2007-11-24T11:08:00.000-08:00

Everyone has a story or 2. Have you heard mine? It sounds like hers.

MO COHO

2007-06-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

She was frazzled. Emotions sticking out like an anemone. Driving with only half her mind to the job. And stuck behind a big slow truck, worried that she was going to be late.
Behind her was a big white Dodge Ram. A little intimidating.
Finally a chance to pull in front of the slow truck. But the cars in front of her just won't let her get far enough past to pull in front of it. They slow to a crawl & she has to drop back behind the truck as her turn off is coming up. The white Ram surprisingly lets her back in with plenty of room.
As she turns onto the onramp the white Ram follows & creates a buffer between her & wouldbe tailgaters as they merge. It's amazing how a little thing like a calm, courteous driver can make such a difference on a frazzled morning.
As she exits the freeway the white Ram continues on & she notices that it is driven by a middle aged gentleman & that the plates read "MO COHO." Thank you, MO COHO man. Whoever you are, you made a difference in the life of one blue girl.

Seventeen

2007-05-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

Jon Mclaughlin
Beautiful Disaster
She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.
And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.
And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.
She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.
She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired
She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.
Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.
And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.

Relationship status

2007-04-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

Imagine what it would be like to one day realize that all the dysfunctional reasons why you continued to stay in a relationship were now gone. This is where she finds herself. It is refreshingly freeing. It also provokes moments of terror as well. They both have come to realize that if they were both single & meeting people right now, they would not be drawn to eachother at all. The problem/solution is the kids. They've made the choice to continue the relationship for the kids. This is not the answer for everyone. It is for them however.
It is difficult to start all over with someone. They struggle with spending time together since they don't enjoy the same pastimes & each encounter is a choice for one of them to give & sacrifice for the other.
So many times they've asked eachother, Why are we still together? Yes, for the kids. BUT, is there anything *ANYTHING* else left? Any other reason? She's said twice (& he's hinted at it as well), that her only hope is that there is still something left of true love between them, something magical that no one understands, some small thread that mysteriously connects them despite everything. That they were somehow meant to be together, fated to find a passionate bond between them.
Yeah, says her mind, that's a bunch of bullshit. You're just a romantic swooner, not wanting to face reality. And her heart says, the truth is in you, follow your heart, do what it takes to live your dreams. And given those options, who would want the bullshit???

Chris Daughtry - It's Not Over

I was blown away.

What could I say?
It all seemed to make sense.
You've taken away everything,
And I can't deal with that.
I try to see the good in life,
But good things in life are hard to find.
We'll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.
Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.
Taken all I could take,
And I cannot wait.
We're wasting too much time
Being strong, holding on.
Can't let it bring us down.
My life with you means everything,
So I won't give up that easily.
I'll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
'Cause it's all misunderstood.
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.
Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.
We can't let this get away.
Let it out, let it out.
Don't get caught up in yourself.
Let it out.
Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.
Let's start over.
It's not over, yeah...
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

Made up for

2007-04-12T15:30:00.000-07:00

It seems a little just not right for Carrie Underwood to have 2 major songs entitled, "Before He Cheats" & "Jesus, Take The Wheel." Yeah, it's possible to be able to sing along with both of those songs back to back. It's just weird though. She doesn't like either of them. And they are played all the time on 3 of her regular stations, country & otherwise. Fortunately, Carrie redeemed herself by coming out with the song "Wasted" which is oh, so much better!

Standing at the back door
She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood
It felt like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back
Let's face it
For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring raindrops
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it
I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Another glass of whisky and it still don't kill the pain
So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He says it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Gotta face it.
Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted
She kept drivin' along
Till the moon and the sun
were floating side-by-side
He looked in the mirror
and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while
Hey, yeah,
Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted
Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Exploring some beefs with God

2007-04-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

This post will get graphic, so let this be a warning to you if you don't like to read graphic things.

The other day she was thinking about the supposed "perfectness" of human bodies that tends to be a bragging point for creationists. What got her started thinking about this was the (TMI warning!) horrible yeast infection she was suffering with that came out of no where & the likes of which had not been experienced by her for years & years. Why did she get it? She doesn't know. The delicate balance of good vs. bad bacterias constantly battling to take over is easily upset. This brought her to wonder why it is that vaginas have so many uses: eliminating waste, birthing babies, having sex. Why would God supposedly create humans in such a way? And why did he put a woman's vagina so close to her anus? Even while keeping scrupulously clean, it is easy to introduce bacteria from one region to another & upset that balance, causing yeast infections & urinary tract infections. Now add to that being pregnant. How many infections & even serious medical problems might have never had to be if these regions had been moved away from eachother, even a few inches, and also had the vagina only been for one purpose. Yeah, we would have had to have 2 other holes somewhere else & that sounds weird now but if we had always been like that it would be normal.
And that leads to breasts. They, too, are multipurpose. Sexual & to nourish the young. Why does there need to be more than one purpose for breasts? If they were only for feeding there would probably be a lot more breastfed babies out there (& toddlers, & 3, 4, 5+ year olds!). Why make them be sexually sensitive as well? Why not make the belly button (which has no purpose after the umbilical cord) be more of an erogonous zone?
Of course, all these things would seem to make her life less complicated she thinks. Everyone might not agree & some would say it makes no difference. Truth is, no one knows. Maybe some day she'll find out & be at peace. Until then, she's taking probiotics, the super ones!

This or that

2007-03-28T22:39:00.000-07:00

Pick One:
1. Join the circus or become a nun?Probably the circus.
2. Own a big cabin in the Rockies or a small apartment in New York? Cabin. I'd rent it out to skiers & use the money to go to Maui.
3. Grow two inches or shrink 2 inches?Grow. Except then I'd be taller than dh! Oh well.
4. Have the power to become invisible, to mind-read, or to fly?Definitely fly! I can fly in most of my dreams.
5. Snore or talk in your sleep?Talk for sure! I hate hearing other people snore! I think I'd wake myself up.
6. Be good at math or good at art?Art! Especially drawing, that's one artistic thing I'm not too good at that I'd like to be.
7. Pierce your nose or get a tattoo?Well, I already have a tattoo. And I think I'd rather get another one than pierce my nose. In fact, I'm thinking of getting another one actually.
8. Eat the same thing every day or lose your sense of smell?Lose my sense of smell! That sense has driven me so crazy in the last few years! I could stand to be without it for awhile I think. 9. Forget your name or everyone else's?Forget my own. Or maybe everyone elses, then I could make up new names for everyone! ;o)
10. Have more luck than sense or more sense than luck?Hmmm, I think more luck, then the sense wouldn't matter as much maybe.
11. Be a boy or girl?Definitely a girl! For the sole purpose of being pregnant & most of all being able to breastfeed! Though, if men could breastfeed I might be tempted to try being a guy. It could be fun for all I know!
12. Trade lives with your gym teacher or your math teacher?Gym teacher, they have more fun! And no, math is not fun, if that is what you were going to say!
13. Say "you know" after every sentence or "like" before every sentence?You know. It's not quite so ditzy sounding.
14. Be named Grape or Pistachio?Grape. Pistachio seems more like a male name.
15. Always eat with your hands or have to put hot sauce on everything you eat?Eat with my hands. It would be fun to have an excuse to do it! Ooh, I should have a party where everyone has to eat with their hand & have lots of messy foods like soup or ice cream with lots of sticky sauces!
16. Be stranded on a desert island with a clueless hottie or a gross person with survival training?Right now I'd have to say the gross survivalist simply because i have family that need me to survive. If I were single I'd definitely say the hottie. ;o)
17. Go hiking or watch a video on it?I'd rather actually hike.
18. Have a crush on your best friend's girlfriend/boyfriend or find out that she/he has one on you?Ooh, this is tough. They're both pretty bad. I think I'd rather them have a crush on me so then I wouldn't feel guilty for having a crush on someone while a)I'm already married, & b)they already have a significant other.
19. Build a snowman or a sand castle?Oh, oh Sand Castles! Can I, can I, can I?????
20. Be born with wheels instead of feet or wings instead of arms?Most likely the wings though I'd miss being able to touch things.
21. Lose your keys or lose your shoes?Shoes because I could always just wear another pair & without keys I couldn't get in the house.
22. Know absolutely everything about your crush or about world history?Definitely a crush. It would just be one person. I couldn't handle knowing all the horrible things that have happened in history. Dang! I got traumatized by watching "Roots"!
23. Change your past or know your future?Maybe change a small thing in my past. I wouldn't want to know the future, it would be depressing.
24. Go camping or stay in a fancy hotel?Camping unless the hotel was environmentally friendly, used natural cleaning supplies, had organic sheets & towels, used renewable energy, provided organic food, etc. Then I would usually pick the hotel!
25. Have the power to calm everyone down or get them REALLY excited?Excited! Nothing happens when people are calm. If everyone were really excited about something they would be more likely to change the world for the better if that was what they were excited about.
26. Always lose or never play?I'd definitely rather always lose than never play!
27. Be a dog named Fluffy or a cat named Killer?Dog. Cats are stuck up.
28. Vegetables taste like candy or traffic sounds like laughter?The laughing traffic would drive me crazy. I'd love it if vegetables tasted like chocolate!
29.???
30. Exercise or get a manicure?Manicures for sure!
31. Listen to a 1-hour tape of loud machinery or a boring 1-hour lecture?I'd rather the lecture. At least there would be a little value in it.
32. Be the most popular girl/boy in school or get good grades?Most popular.
33. Get a kangaroo or a baby elephant for your birthday?The baby elephant. I'd donate it to some poor family in a country where they use elephants to help them work.
34. Know it all or have it all?Have it all. If I knew it all I'd be god. I don't want to be god.
35. Have twenty pretty good friends or one best friend?Twenty pretty good friends.
36. Be stupid and loved or brilliant and disliked?Stupid & loved definitely!
37. Be liked for your looks or your personality?Personality!
38. Get even or get over it?Ha! Getting even is so tempting! Getting over it is so hard. I know I should pick getting over it. Yeah. Let me just get even first, then I'll get over it. ;o)

Dreams

2007-03-25T18:18:00.000-07:00

The house is nearly sold. She is still baffled at how it all came to be. Somehow, though, it did. And that brings her to one big question: What to do with such a superfluous profit?
He has already made plans for a large portion of it, investing in the stockmarket. He seems so excited about this & she is pleased that he has found something so enjoyable.
Stocks are not for her though. So she has been pondering what she might do & has thought of many ideas, some small, some grand.
Her dreams had always seemed so far off in the future, mainly because they involved money & she did not have it or did not wish to do what it would take to get it. That has suddenly & unexpectedly changed. And with the change she has come to realize that her dreams were a bit outdated, dusty, wilted perhaps. Cast into the Rubbermaid storage container in the closet of her mind. A bit musty for sure.
And she doesn't even know if some of them still are what she dreams of. What does she want to do in her life? She has a few tools for figuring it all out, a contract, a purpose & a firm desire to make a difference in the world in her own way.
But, yes BUT, what should it be? Should it be one thing? Several? Should it stay the same for a long time or should it evolve or change? What if she realizes in a few years that she doesn't want to do that thing or those things anymore? Then what?
And of course there is always the fear of failure. It would be one thing making a mistake whilst doing something for one's self. Even more devistating would be a failure whilst trying to make a difference in the world, something worthy & benefitting. This she almost couldn't bear. Though the fear of it can certainly not stop her from proceding, it can definitely hamper that process.
So, ideas continue to float around, hovering, fading, springing up new. Aahh, for clarity!

Wings

2007-03-21T22:04:00.000-07:00

He swears it started in December. She feels it started way before that. No matter, the point is it did start somewhere & its been making for a bit of confusion & misery for the both of them.
His side? He says he's had enough of her disrespect, unappreciativeness & less than satisfactory home maintenance performance. And she doesn't know how much longer she can handle him neglecting to show that he loves & cares for her. By his own words he has clearly expressed to her that he just doesn't have it to give right now. And she is unwilling to sacrifice time with her girls & herself in order to meet the housekeeping expectations he has of her. So they have arrived at a stalemate & stayed there for quite some time now.
Then he went on a trip to visit family, taking the little one with him. She stayed home with the baby who was too young to travel that far & to that locale.
While he was gone she flew into a desparate depression. Worse than had been known in years. The difference being she knew how to cope, called on friends & family & counselling, & in general took care of herself & her needs. It certainly wasn't easy! However she came out of it with a greater strength of character & also an epiphany. She no longer needed him in order to survive, to be happy, to be fulfilled.
This sounds like an "No duh" idea. And in all truthfulness she had known it long before, just never believed it in her heart for long enough to make a difference. While he was gone she had had to live it. And saw that it was truth for her.
To be perfectly clear, yes she still needs him to show her that he loves her, for the good of their relationship. However if something were to happen to him & they no longer had the relationship she knows she could survive. Or even if he needed some space or was having a bad week, she knows that she could do what it takes to get what she needed. A far cry from her old self, full of fears & mostly dependant on him to create that security for her.
And the wings of freedom are carrying her to a richer experience in this life of hers.

What was I thinking?

2007-01-22T21:02:00.000-08:00

She was listening to this song on the radio today. Put her in mind of a "little white tanktop" she used to wear. Yee haw!
Becky was a beauty from South Alabama
Her Daddy had a heart like a nine pound hammer
Think He even did a little time in the slammer
What was I thinking?
She snuck out one night and met me by the front gate
Her daddy came out waving that twelve guage
We tore out the drive, he peppered my tailgate
What was I thinking?
Oh I knew there'd be Hell to pay,
But that crossed my mind a little too late!
Cuz' I was thinking 'bout a little white tank top
sitting right there in the middle by me
I was thinking about a long kiss,
man just gotta get goin' where the night might lead
Well I know what I was feeling
But What was I thinking?
But What was I thinking?
What was I thinking?
By the county line the cops were nipping on our heels
Pulled off the road kicked it to 4 wheel
Shut off the lights, tore through a corn field
What was I thinking?
Out the other side she was hollerin' "Faster!"
Took the third road had the radio blastin'
Hit the Honky Tonk for a little close dancin'
What was I thinking?
Oh I knew there'd be Hell to pay,
But that crossed my mind a little too late!
Cuz' I was thinking 'bout a little white tank top
sitting right there in the middle by me
I was thinking about a long kiss,
man just gotta get goin' where the night might lead
Well I know what I was feeling
But What was I thinking?
But What was I thinking?
What was I thinking?
When a mountain of a man with a "Born to Kill" tattoo
tried to cut in I knocked out his front tooth
Ran outside hood sliding like Bo Duke
What was I thinking?
I finally got her home at half past too late
Her daddy's in a lawn chair sittin' in the driveway
Put it in park as he started my way,
What was I thinking?
Oh What was I thinking?
Oh What was I thinking?
And she gave a come and get me grin,
And like a bullet we were gone again!
Cuz' I was thinking 'bout a little white tank top
sitting right there in the middle by me
I was thinking about a long kiss,
man just gotta get goin' where the night might lead
Well I know what I was feeling
But What was I thinking?
But What was I thinking?
What was I thinking?
What was I thinking?
Sung by Dierks Bentley

More mindless sh**

2007-01-15T21:24:00.000-08:00

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Steve, Julie, Lani, anyone who *wants* to talk to me.
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
yes.
3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Not really either. Sometimes I listen more if I'm in my fear.
4. Are you an active person?
Not really.
6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
If I felt like I had a big enough reason to live.
7. Do you like to ride horses?
not usually.
8. Did you ever go to a camp as a kid?
Yes.
9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Uno
11. Are you judgmental?
I'm pretty judgemental. I mostly keep it to myself though. Unfortunately, even if I don't tell someone I'm judging them I will treat them according to how I judged them, rarely asking what is really going on. I'm working on changing this & being more accepting.
12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
Yes, probably. Religious beliefs don't matter too much to me as long as they aren't too fanatical.
13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Both, it depends what mood I'm in.
14. Use three words to describe yourself:
Creative, relational, emotional
15. If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?
My first thought was to say blind. I don't know though, it's a tough call.
16. Are you continuing your education?
Not in a school setting. I'm always learning about myself & life though.
17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Yes, so don't mess with me. There are guns in my house. Don't surprise me or sneak up on me. I'm not afraid to use them if I feel threatened or that my family is in danger.
18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grab?
My babies!
19. How often do you read books?
All the time! I love reading stories!
20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
Probably a toss up between the past & the future. I'm working on living in the present more often, especially with my family.
21. What is your favorite children's book?
Laura Ingalls Wilder
22. Where were you born?
California
23. Have you kissed any of your MySpace friends?
Yes.
24. How tall are you?
5'6" approximately
25.Where is your ideal house located?
Near a warm beach.
26. Last person you talked to?
My dh.
27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yes.
28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
It's been so long I don't remember.
29. What are your keys on your key chain for?
Car & house.
30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Fred Meyer on Imbrie
31. Where is your current pain at?
Emotional - I found out one of my friends died. Also, sinus/eyes. I got new glasses last week & they are driving me insane!
32. Do you like mustard?
Yes, esp. on pretzels & asparagus.
33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Eating wins, though only slightly. I was thinking the other day that it has been over a year since I had a full night of sleep with no interruptions. Wow! Anyone want to take my kids for a night??
34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
I think a little more like my dad. I'm not a good judge of these things though.
35. How long does it take you in the shower?
About 15 minutes.
36. Can you do splits?
I used to be able to in gymnastics.
37. What movie do you want to see right now?
I wouldn't mind seeing pride & predjudice again, though this time I'd like to watch it with someone.;o)
38. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?
Uh, no. They have fur.
39. What did you do for New Year's eve?
I actually went to a party for the first time in a few years! There were lots of friends, karaoke, yummy food & champagne. I had a really fun time.
40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
I didn't watch it so I can't say.
41. What was the cause of your last accident?
Someone rear ended us.
42. Do you own a camera phone?
no
43. What are you drinking?
nothing right now, it's just about bedtime & I don't want to be up peeing all night. I did that all last year being pg.
44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
no
45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
A
46. Who did you vote for on American Idol?
I don't watch it.
47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
8 but with several interruptions to nurse the baby
48. Do you like care bears?
no
49. What do you buy at the movies?
Usually nothing.
50. Do you know how to play poker?
I used to. I haven't played it in a long time.
51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
Yes, definitely.
52. What do you wear to sleep?
A shirt or a jammy set.
53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Yes, a high profile crime.
54. How many meals do you eat a day?
3 with lots of snacks in between.
55. Is your tongue pierced?
Nope.
56. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?
If they look interesting.
57. Do you have A.D.D?
I was told I did by several different health care professionals.
58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
A little of both.
59. Ever been to Vegas?
Yes, a drive-by.
60. Did you eat a cookie today?
No.
61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
I don't currently. I can though, & have in the past. Que chingada eres, hijo de puta!
63. Do you hate chocolate?
Absolutely not!
64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
We don't really fight anymore. We got in a heated discussion about god/religion though.
65. Is your cell usually on vibrate or ring?
Vibrate.
66. Are you a gullible person?
I can be. I'm not as much as I used to be.
67. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Do you mean, do I need to have a bf/gf to be happy, or, do I need my bf/gf to be happy themselves? Regardless, the answer to both is no.
68. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
Is there a job where whatever I woke up feeling like doing, I'd get paid to do? I'll take that one.
69. Are you easy to get along with?
Apparently not. . . I'm too much a Drama Queen & I can't keep up with housework. Hmmm.
70. What is your favorite time of day?
Whenever I'm feeling good.

More of the same

2007-01-15T18:26:00.000-08:00

1. would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Yes!
2. What song describes your relationship status?Quit playing games with my heart
3. How much does your dog(s) weigh?probably around 30 lbs
4. Are you a heart breaker, or the heart breakee?Both
5. Ever waxed a part of your body?I do my lower legs every few months. I tried bikini line. Never again!
6. Earrings or necklaces?either
7. Who have you talked to most today?My kids
9. Friend that lives closest to you?Julie
10.color of your shirt?sage green
11. How many years have you taken a language?I lived in Mexico for 3 years. I also took Spanish in college. In Mexico, I had to take English as a Second Language! The teacher didn't make me take the tests at least.
12. Who's on speed dial 2?I don't have speed dial.
13. What color is your background on your computer mainly?blue
14. Do you wish on 11:11?no
15. Good advice if you ever go camping?take a person or pet to cuddle with
16. Are you a bad influence?I can be.
17. What color are your eyes?green
18. Would you rather have your name or your siblings name?my own
19. Would you do anything for someone?no
20. Have you ever been called a dick?I don't think so.
21. favorite color?blue
22. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?sometimes
23. What song is on?nothing
24. Are your grades good?I'm not in school right now.
25. Do you have any friends with benefits?No, thankfully.
26. Would you date anyone on your top friends?No.
27. Does your best friend have a myspace?one of my best friends does. one doesn't.
28. Who's page did you last visit?Marky's
29. Last time you went out to lunch?I don't remember! Someone invite me!
30. Do you watch the Gilmore Girls?I used to.
32. Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.?no
33. Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.D.s?I had the first one. I can't remember if I got rid of it or not.
34. Which radio stations are your favorites?KUPL & The Wolf, I like 105.1 The Buzz just to hear the funny stuff they talk about.
35. Are you a Lost fanatic?nope
36. still have pictures of your ex?Yes - they are group pictures.
38. Alannis Morsette? isnt ironic? dontcha think??
39. Do you watch Family Guy Regularly?no
40. King of the Hill?no
41. Do you read trashy romance novels often?HaHA! I only read the non-trashy ones. Riiiiight.
42. Do you ever forget to give a Christmas/birthday present?No, I just can't afford it sometimes. If I were rich I'd buy gifts for everyone! I love getting people gifts!
43. Do you sing obnoxiously in the car?Oh yes! I don't think it's that obnoxious though.
44. Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower when no one's home?No. I don't like the echos. I like background music, too.
45. Have you ever watched a little kid's show when you were over 12?yes, I was addicted to TV whenever I could watch it growing up since we weren't allowed much TV time.
[[The Necessary Love Questions That Aren't So Necessary]]
46. Have you ever pretended your crush was with you when they werent?no.
47. Did you draw pictures for your first crush back in elementary?no.48. Have you ever liked a girl/boy but didnt ask her/him out because you were too shy?yes.
49. Have you ever written a poem or story about your life?yes, lots.
50. Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing but your crush?oh yeah.
51. Have you ever liked someone solely for their appearance?yes.
[[The Questions You Love:Completely and Utterly Pointless Ones]]
52. Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis?sometimes.
53. Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?I used to be. I don't care much about it now.
54. Have you ever been to South America or Africa?no.
55. Do you know how to knit?I used to.
56. Do you have a cell phone or iPod with a patterned cover?nope
57. Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself and put them in your profile?no
58. Do you keep a diary or journal?A blog.
59. When you open your closet, what is the dominant color?earth tones
[[Truly Unusual This or That Questions]]
60. Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?neither.
62. Earphones or headphones?neither
63. pink or teal?pink
64. Earrings or a ring?either
65. Commitment or casual dating?commitment
66. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings or Star Wars?I haven't seen the movies or read the books.
67.Fly or road trip?depends where I want to go. I don't think I could take a road trip to Maui.
68. Starbucks?N/I
[[Another Wave of Random Questions]]
69. What is your favorite Disney movie?none
70. Have you ever bought clothing at Sears?A long time ago I think.

More on personality

2007-01-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

This personality thing has really got her going. No wonder! She's an ENFP! Here are some links that describe her pretty well.
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP_rel.html

Pride & Prejudice

2007-01-11T20:17:00.000-08:00

What a glorious film! Yes, she is gushing. She has watched it twice in a week & is wholly captivated. Something about the story, the characters has touched a bit of her heart, reminded her of the romantic days of years ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She was young, not yet 18. It was spring. She was working in cottage country, cleaning fishing cottages in exchange for room & board. Her boss was 18, redheaded, & in her eyes the epitome of manliness: rough handed, just sure enough of himself to be inviting & yet with a little boyish insecurity left that was so endearing. He sometimes seemed to be more focused on his friends, job & school. Somewhere along the way she let herself admit that she wished he would pay more attention to her.
They were mostly alone in the main house during the weekdays & ended up spending the time watching movies together, talking & walking down to the lake. And soon she noticed a fluttering in her middle when he looked at her. Once he reached out & ran his hand through her hair.
Then one day as they were walking to the lake she reached out for his hand to steady herself on the steep hill. Yes, she knew she really didn't *need* to be steadied. She just couldn't let go after that though. He didn't seem to mind & his hand was oh so warm.
The next weekend there were lots of people, family, friends, visitors. He took her out in the boat & in the middle of the lake they ran out of gas. He managed to flag down a jet skier who drove by & splashed them. Fortunately it was able to tow them to the dock, however they were all drenched & cold. He pulled her onto his lap & wrapped her in his arms the whole way.
Later they decided to go camping on the island with his cousin & cousin's girlfriend. And she knew that after that night nothing would ever be the same again. And it wasn't.

OUCH!

2007-01-08T20:48:00.000-08:00

The Brutally Honest Personality Test

Scumbag- ENFP
66% Extraversion, 60% Intuition, 0% Thinking, 20% Judging

I have a feeling you're not going to like this much. Do I care? No. How do I know? It's because you hate criticism. You love to be loved and you'll do anything to be accepted.

Unfortunately for you, I can see right through your insincere compliments and over-the-top greetings. No matter what you do, I'll always hate you for what you are. An arrogant, unstable, overly enthusiastic scumbag.

I bet you're pretty proud of your accomplishments, huh? You seem to achieve at whatever you put your little mind too. Trust me. Nobody likes the person who is good at everything. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

This might also have something to do with the fact that you're a cheating machine. You're just not the type of person to make long-term commitments. You enjoy seeing "what could be", rather than being satisfied with "what is." This, of course, means you often leave others in the dust while you seek out another lover.

Well, at least you're not the one left in the dust.

Unfortunately, when you're the one lying in the gutter with a bloody knife in your back, you might think differently.

*****************

If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.

*****************

The other personality types are as follows...

Loner - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Pushover - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Criminal - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Borefest - Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Almost Perfect - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
Freak - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Loser - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Crackpot - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
Clown - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Sap - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Commander - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Do Gooder - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Busybody - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Prick - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Dictator - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Empath

2007-01-02T18:07:00.001-08:00

You scored as Universal. You are a Universal Empath, you possess all the qualities of the other seven empath groups. You are what is known as an "Implicate" or Imp, a product of evolutionary design and genetic mutation. You are a psychic hybrid. (from "The Book of Storms" by Jad Alexander at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Empaths/)

Universal

90%

Artist

80%

Healer

75%

Precog

70%

Judge

70%

Fallen Angel

55%

Shaman

45%

Traveler

35%

What Kind of Empath Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

Creature

2007-01-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

You scored as Mermaid. Mermaid: Mermaids are also known as Sirens. These creatures were beautiful women who tricked sailors into becoming completely entranced by their haunting voices and found death soon after. Not all stories of Mermaids are about gentle loving sea people. They are mystical, magical, and extremely dangerous. They have a way about them that brings anyone they are around to seem enchanted. They are very mysterious creatures and to meet one... Would mean certain Death. Let the song of the Sea fill your soul, for you are a Mermaid.

Mermaid

92%

Angel

83%

Dragon

58%

Faerie

50%

WereWolf

42%

Demon

What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com

Personality

2007-01-02T17:59:00.000-08:00

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.
You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.
Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.
You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!

You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Time Killage, via Marky

2007-01-01T19:27:00.000-08:00

The numbers are really messed up on this one!
01. HOW DID YOU GET ONE OF YOUR SCARS? I ran into the bumper of a truck when I was little.
02. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WENT SWIMMING?Sept.
03. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE?Jon
04. DO YOU HATE BEING POKED? mostly
15. ARE YOU HAPPY? right now yes.
16. WHAT DO YOU MISS? my babies being babies
17. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE US? Mexico and Canada.
18. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? that everyone will care enough to find out what I really want instead of getting me generic gifts. Also, I want a big, fancy, dress-up party, with dancing.
19. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? I used to
20. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? see below
21. HUGS OR KISSES? I'm not a touchy person.
23. HOW DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU?They put up with your shit instead of leaving like they deserve to.
24. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? a few days ago when my girl drew me a sweet picture.
25. HAVE YOU EVER LIKED SOMEONE (FRIEND OR BF/GF) THAT TREATED YOU LIKE CRAP? Story of my life, time after time. The rocks in their heads filled the holes in mine.
26. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE STARBUCKS DRINK? Did you know Starbucks uses milk products with bovine growth hormone? And no, it won't make your dick get bigger. If I were forced to drink a Starbucks drink I'd have to ask for a specially brewed organic, fair trade coffee with soymilk.
27. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL?Whales
28. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO RIGHT NOW? Making love! It's been WAY too long.
29. WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THIS WEEKEND? Nothing definite right now. I'm always up for a party though!
30. HAS SOMEONE EVER KISSED YOUR HAND? yes, lots of times
31. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR HAIR?It makes me look too young but dh likes it long. I wish it was either more curly or more straight.
32. WHAT IS YOUR HERITAGE? Lithuanian, Mexican, some other European mixes.
33. DO YOU HAVE A GYM MEMBERSHIP? no. we'll soon move into our condo that has a clubhouse with pool & excercise room.
34. DO YOU HAVE MORE MALE OR FEMALE FRIENDS? probably the same
35. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT ANNOYANCE? I have a damn sinus headach again.
36. FAVORITE BAND? I don't know right now.
37. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?Only the vegetarian kind.
38. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST JOB?Babysitting
39. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? none
40. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sometimes
41. WHAT IS AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT YOU? I've sung on a recorded album.
42. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? Three for sure. We'll see after that.
43. WHERE WILL YOU BE TAKING YOUR NEXT PLANE RIDE? Probably California or Arizona
44. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT THE MOST? Not much. Someone once complemented my writing in this blog.
45. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE? Small, grey & blue.
46. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? Nissan Xterra
47. LAST MAGAZINE YOU READ? Mothering Magazine
58. DO YOU HAVE ANY TRICKS UP YOUR SLEEVES? If I didn't before, I certainly do now that I have kids!

Two songs for the new year

2007-01-01T18:23:00.000-08:00

She was at a party last night, enjoying time with friends. After the midnight celebration of the new year she sat with a couple of friends playing around with the karaoke machine. One friend put in "Drive" by Incubus & her first impulse was to object, the song being a prime example of what happens when a good song becomes encrusted with bitter memories. Her second thought was, why not go ahead & sing it & make new memories, maybe ridding herself of some of the shame & disgust she always feels when she hears it. So on went the duet, and quite well it went, too.
And the very next song was much fitting also. "Its Been Awhile" by Staind. She will forever think of this song now when she hears the other song.
Thanks, guys. And thanks, my love, for your support. It meant a lot to me.
The lyrics are posted in the comments.

a2z

2006-11-18T22:15:00.000-08:00

I can't post this on my other blog because my mom will read it & freak out.

the letter A.
are you available?: Depends for what. Coffee, yes. Playdate, yes. Sex, only if you are my dh reading this.
what is your age?: 28
what annoys you?: Church & people who always have to be right.

the letter B.
do you live in a big house?: kinda
when is your birthday?: You should know. If you don't, you probably don't need to know.
who is your best friend?: Karmen & LaVonne

the letter C.
what's your favorite candy?: Organic dark chocolate
who is your crush?:I'm married.
when was the last time you cried?: The other day.

the letter D.
do you daydream?: yeah.
what's your favorite kind of dog?: puppies, cocker spaniels
what day of the week is it?: Saturday.

the letter E.
how do you like your eggs?: In a Dutch Baby.
have you ever been in the emergency room?: Yes, I don't like to think about it.

the letter F.
have you ever flown in a plane?: Lots. I've flown a plane a few times, too.
do you use fly swatters?: No. My dad used to use a "Bazoony" or the airgun to get mosquitos. LOL!
have you ever used a foghorn?: No, I'd like to keep my sense of hearing sharp.

the letter G.
do you chew gum?: The kind with Xylitol in it.
do you like gummy candies?: Not really.

the letter H.
how are you?: F.I.N.E.
how many people have you hugged today?: A bunch. I wish my love language was touch, I'd be feeling the love right now.
what color is your hair?: Dishwater blond. (Ash blond, if you must.)

the letter I.
what's your favorite ice cream?: Tofutti Soy Vanilla Almond Bark
have you ever ice skated?: Yes, I don't really like it.
do you play an instrument?: Several, though none too well. Piano I play best. Organ, guitar, flute, martinally. I used to sing.

the letter J.
what's your favorite jelly bean?: I don't like them particularly.
have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?: Yeah, like who hasn't...
do you wear jewelry? Yes.

the letter K.
who do you want to kill?: "god" & the devil
do you want kids?: You mean more kids? yes! Lots!
where did you go to kindergarten?: I don't think I did Kindergarten. My mom says she started homeschooling me officially in the 1st grade.

the letter L.
are you laid back?: I don't know.
do you lie?: Sometimes yes.
when was your last kiss?: Today.

the letter M.
what's your favorite movie?: Robin Hood: Men in Tights, watched with my little sister.
do you still watch disney movies?: No, Disney is the Devil!
do you like mangos?: Yes! I wish I had one right now. They are yummy with lime & chili powder.

the letter N.
do you have a nickname?: Alis, Babe, Bean.
what's your favorite number?: Don't have one.
do you prefer night over day?: Depends.

the letter O.
what's your one wish?: I have way more than one wish!
are you an only child?: no
do you wish this was over?: No. I like doing these.

the letter P.
what are you most paranoid about?: That I'll look stupid or do something stupid.
whats a personality trait you look for in people?: Genuine

the letter Q.
what's your favorite quote?: The reason people search for true love so much is because it is the closest thing we have to real magic.

the letter R.
do you think you're always right?: No, I just wish I was sometimes, when I'm not in my heart.
do you watch reality tv?: No
what is a good reason to cry?: When you feel pain.

the letter S.
do you prefer sun or rain? Sun!
night or day? Didn't you already ask that? And there aren't any "S" words in that question, BTW.
do you like snow?: I like watching it fall. That's about it.

the letter T.
what time is it?: Why the heck does it matter?
what time did you wake up? I don't remember.
when was the last time you slept in a tent?: Probably last year.

the letter U.
are you wearing underwear?: Yes & they are big & ugly & green.
do you want to go to a university?: No.

the letter V.
whats the worst veggie?: The cruciferous ones that give you gas. Why do the ones that are really good for you have to give you gas?
where do you want to go on vacation? Maui, Scotland, New Zealand
where was your last vacation to?: Phoenix

the letter W.
whats your worst habit?: You don't want to know.
where do you live?: In a house by a hospital.
what's your worst fear?: that there is no god & this is all just meaningless sh**.

the letter X.
have you ever had an x-ray?: yes
have you seen the x-games?: no
do you own an xylophone? No, but I think my mom is going to buy my daughter a glockenspiel for xmas. Aren't they similar?

the letter Y.
do you like the color yellow? I like lemon yellow, creamy yellow, banana cream pie yellow. I don't like food coloring yellow, smiley face yellow, pee yellow, or mt. dew yellow.
what year were you born in?: 28 years ago
whats one thing you yearn for?: To have lots of kindred spirits.

the letter Z.
whats your zodiac sign?: Libra
do you believe in the zodiac?: I believe in everything & nothing.
whats your favorite zoo animal?: Marky said "Your mom." HAHA! LOL! I like aquarium animals better.

Story of this girl's life

2006-10-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

Innocence
by Sarah Buxton

It's the first time that I've been here,
Since I was here with him.
I remember all the wild flowers,
Wavin' in the wind.
Life was an undiscovered river:
I was jumpin' in head first.

It was sink or swim; do or die;
Sneakin' out on summer nights,
Stealin' wine from my Pa,
The thrill of not gettin' caught.
An' every now an' then I miss those days,
But comin' back to this place,
I realize it ain't him I miss,
It's that young girl, wide-eyed,
first love, one time innocence, yeah.

We ran off to the corn field,
Just outside the county fair;
There were butterflies in my stomach,
An' fireflies in the air.
He tried hard not to show it,
Oh, but he was just as scared as me.

And it was sink or swim; do or die;
Sneakin' out on summer nights;
Stealin' wine from my Pa;
The thrill of not gettin' caught.
An' every now an' then I miss those days,
But comin' back to this place,
I realize it ain't him I miss,
It's that young girl, wide-eyed,
first love, one time innocence, yeah.

And coming here has made me come to this:
The one thing I can't get back
is the one thing I miss, yeah.

An' it was breakin' rules, flyin' blind;
What you see through younger eyes;
It wasn't what I thought it was,
Man, I swore he was the one.
An' now an' then I miss those days,
But comin' back to this place,
I realise it ain't him I miss,
It's that young girl, wide-eyed,
first love, one time innocence, yeah.
It's that young girl, wide-eyed,
first love, one time innocence.
Yeah, it's that innocence.

4 things. . .

2006-03-17T23:05:00.000-08:00

A. Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Babysitter
2. McDonald's
3. Teacher Assistant
4. Mary Kay Consultant (no longer)
B. Four movies you could watch over and over:
1. Rumor Has It
2. First Knight
3. Robin Hood: Men in Tights
4. Pride & Prejudice
C. Four places you have lived:
1. Napa Valley, CA
2. Montemorelos, Mexico
3. Toronto, Canada
4. Portland, OR
D. Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
2. Fraiser
3. Gilmore Girls
4. ?
E. Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Hawaii
2. Cancun/Cozumel
3. Yosemite
4. Washington DC
F. Four websites you visit daily:
1. Yahoo
2. Friends' blogs
3. ?
4. ?
G. Four of your favorite foods.
1. Tofu
2. Soymilk
3. Soy Yogurt
4. Oatmeal/Cream of Wheat/Malt O Meal
H. Four places you'd rather be right now
1. At the spa
2. Hawaii
3. At a party
4. Scrapbooking with K
I. Four of your favorite things to do:
1. Going to parties/social events
2. Pottery
3. Scrapbooking
4. Reading
J. Your favorite drinks:
1. Soy Chai Tea Latte
2. Herbal tea
3. Ovaltine
4. Lemon water

Blue Spirituality

2006-03-17T22:45:00.000-08:00

"The reason Moses would do this, according to John Sailhamer, is because there are emotions and situations and tensions that a human being feels in his life but can't explain. And poetry is a literary tool that has the power to give a person the feeling he isn't alone in those emotions, that, though there are no words to describe them, somebody understands. "
~Donald Miller, "Searching For God Knows What", emphasis mine

"I can't imagine anything but music that could have brought about this alchemy. Maybe it's because music is about as physiccal as it gets: your essential rhythm is your heartbeat; your essential sound, the breath. We're walking temples of noise, and when you add tender hearts to this mix, it somehow lets us meet in places we couldn't get to any other way."
~Anne Lamott, "Traveling Mercies", emphasis mine

Thoughts on Culture

2006-02-20T18:43:00.000-08:00

Puebla-Style Fiesta Turkey in Mole Sauce
"Ancient traditions blend seamlessly with contemporary influences, creating a flavor that is both passionate and expressive."

Avatar

2006-01-16T12:03:00.000-08:00

These are fun!

2006-01-08T20:58:00.000-08:00

::.What feeling are you trying to hide?.:: (awesome pictures\Updated!)

You are hiding Innocence!You are scared of all of the bad people out there. You are gentle, kind, naive and young and would like to stay that way! You are always there when your friends are in a pinch and would sacrifice everything you have in an instant if need be. You're still unsure of many things in life, but don't worry too much about it, life is short after all! You have a pretty good out-look on life, over all.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla
Join

Make A Quiz More Quizzes Grab Code

2006-01-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

Reflections of the Spirit?

You reflect the magic of the spirit. You are a mystical person who values the magic in life. You enjoy the beauty in almost everything; every sound, smell, touch, taste. Although you find yourself pulled back to reality by the pollution of earth, this a very lovely quality to have, for there isn't much magic left.

Please rate high ;-)
Take this quiz!

Quizilla
Join

Make A Quiz More Quizzes Grab Code

Perfect!

2006-01-08T20:28:00.000-08:00

What mythological creature are you?

UR A MERMAID:"In the sea the fish have learned to flyOn a moonlight night on wings of silverAs the enchanted stars sail serenely bydo they know where do unicorns gowhere winged horses flyNarwhales lost at sea and never seen againgo, go and ask the magpiewhere do unicorns go."Mermaids are creatures that are half fish and half human. They are the gentlest creatures of the sea. You love the ocean and its mysteries. Water is where you are most comfortable. You respect all of the ocean's creatures. You also have lots of curiosity and you love to explore. You are best at solving mysteries and arguments. You have befriended many people yet, you are timid around those you don't know. You have a gift with medicine and song.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla
Join

Make A Quiz More Quizzes Grab Code

Not bad!

2006-01-08T20:06:00.000-08:00

How Old is Your Inner Child?

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost in a good book, or giggling with my best friend, I live in a world apart, one full of adventure and wonder and other stuff adults don't understand.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla
Join

Make A Quiz More Quizzes Grab Code

Spotplay

2006-01-08T19:40:00.000-08:00

Burning eyeballs.
Fake squeezes
that seem real.
One lone ant.
Looking for what?
Locked upstairs.
Shotgun loaded.
Lights turn on & off.
Mostly silence.
Boredom & loneliness.
This is her life,
moment by moment.

Update ala 2

2005-11-24T14:47:00.000-08:00

Two Names You Go By
1. Alissa
2. Alis
Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Lithuanian
2. Mexican
Two Things That Scare You
1. Being alone in the dark
2. Someone I love dying
Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Arbonne Basics skin care
2. My contract
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Thyme Maternity tan cords
2. Red linen top
Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)
1. Hootie & the Blowfish
2. Celine Dion
Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Complete honesty
2. Acceptance
Two Truths
1. True & pure love is the ultimate goal in life.
2. Love can change the world.
Two Physical Things that Appeal to You
1. Red hair!
2. Manly hands
Two of your favorite hobbies
1. Scrapbooking
2. Reading
Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. Hand sewn skirt from www.snakemountainthreads.com with appliques of my contract & purpose & butterflies & such.
2. To go on a cruise with all my Foundations friends!
Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Hawaii, for the whales
2. South Mexican coast, for the snorkeling
Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. See a whale breaching
2. TA
Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Girl/Boy
1. I like girly/feminine things
2. I wear make-up
Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. I'm not very smart when it comes to complex mathematical things.
2. I yell at my daughter sometimes.
Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. I have to go potty.
2. I ate too much for lunch. (We got a free meal at dh's work today.)
Two Stores You Shop At
1. New Season's Market
2. Target
Two people I haven't talked to in a while
1. LaVonne
2. Ralph
Two bloggers who may now dislike you for passing this on to them
1. Rachel at YukonJoe
2. Adele at AdeleMonique

Loving Alis

2005-11-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

This morning before she got out of bed her mind was awhirl. She's so excited about all the opportunities she has to connect with other people & give love to them. She kept going over & over different ideas in her head.
Then it occured to her that the ratio between how much she was thinking of how to love others vs. how to love herself was something like 10:0. So she lay there trying to think of what exciting things she would do for herself that day. What a struggle that was! Why is it so hard to do things for herself? Her mind kept wandering back to everyone else's needs. Finally she just got out of bed & started her day.
Thinking back on it, it seems that, on top of it being a pretty hard thing for her to do, she is also held back by the financial & timewise aspects of this idea. If she could find some ways to get around these obstacles then all she'd be left with was herself to deal with.
Some of the ideas she's come up with are:
~Making the time to get a few customers for her home business & using the money to take that pottery class that she has wanted to take for forever.
~Babysitting some kids a few times a month for some extra spending money for herself.
~Finding several babysitters that she feels comfortable leaving the little one with & using that time either for herself or for working her business.
~Making a list of things she really likes to do.
~Starting up her small group again.
~Making more time to spend with her friends.
Mental note: Think of more things to do for myself. Be committed to do what it takes to have what you want.

Breakthroughs

2005-11-08T20:43:00.000-08:00

Previous Foundations breakthroughs:
~There's a lot of value in looking for the value in all things.
~Feelings & behaviors can be changed by changing thoughts.
~Mind reading is a self-destructive way of thinking.
~Making him walk on eggshells is a self-destructive behavior.
~A huge percent of what she tells herself about herself is negative.
~Whenever someone has to be right, someone else has to be wrong. It is way better to be accepting & acknowledging than to be right.
~When she doesn't take time to love herself, she can't give true love to others. It is not selfish to take time for herself first. It is actually more unselfish than trying to love others on an empty love tank.
~She is a beautiful, fearless woman!

More later breakthroughs:
~She has a relational personality, sensitive, people oriented, intuitive, creative.
~She feels most loved when receiving personal gifts & quality time from others.
~Her life purpose is to empower others to desire freedom.
~She needs people & must ask for what she needs.

Recent breakthroughs:
~The importance of differentiating between expectations & intentions. Expectations separate while intentions unite.
~She had been letting shame hold her back from living at 100%. It was her core issue along with feeling not good enough.
~Letting her heart accept how responsible she was for past choices vs. how responsible were other people for bringing her to have to make those choices. Learning to accept responsibility & also give up responsibility for things she had no control over.
~She had been choosing to not be present in the moment & that was also holding her back.
~She had been allowing how she was feeling physically to dictate how she behaved instead of changing her thoughts to change her behaviors.
~She came to the point where she could finally forgive the most important person left to forgive: herself. That means that she now expects no repayment of that debt to herself, no more punishing herself. The slate is clean.
~She made the choice to love herself unconditionally & constantly.
~She made the choice to accept all the love from others & from the Higher Power, that she had been brushing aside for so long.
~She chose to believe that she is good enough.

Sounds like a lot?? Well, it is & she is very proud of herself. This year has been the most life changing period of her entire life. Watch her go, she's a Happy Girl now!

Food for thought

2005-11-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

Exploring a Parallel Universe

Drink to your health

2005-10-31T07:26:00.000-08:00

"What kind of tea will I choose to drink today: Insecuri-tea or Generosi-tea?"

Of Dreams & Cloudy Afternoons

2005-10-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

Mellow drifting
Sitting & thinking
Full of heartbeats
Remembering heart dreams

Wandering the past
Searching what was lost
Love & passion
Dreams can happen

Fearless desire
Cloudy empire
Smiles somehow
A furrowed brow

~The Blue Girl

Improve your memory

2005-09-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

Brain exercises like this can help improve your memory. One of the "side-effects" of this pregnancy has been a decrease in her memory functioning. She lost her wallet last week & then lost the bank card he lent her until she could find her own again. She left the oven on. She left a load of laundry in the washer, all wet. Maybe this will help!
Instructions:
We've taken all of the vowels out of the proverb below, and the letters of words are not properly spaced. Replace the vowels and find the proverb:
PPLW HLV NGLS SHSS
SHLDNT THR WSTNS
(Taken from Organic Style Magazine, November 2004 issue.)

Organic

2005-09-24T14:10:00.000-07:00

"One day people will look back with amazement that we ever sought to grow our food with poisons."
-Vegetarian Activist John Robbins on Organic Farming, as quoted from Vegetarian Times Magazine, March 2005 issue

All in a cup of tea

2005-09-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

"Spiritual expansion comes from the trust we have in each other."
~Unknown, quoted from Raspberry Leaf Tea teabag, Yogi brand

Update & a fortune cookie

2005-09-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

There is new life budding within her now. It is slowly & painfully pushing its way through, gnawing, molding, exchanging chemicals, producing tissues, filling her up & draining her in the same breath.
She feels raw & used up. Her face is discolored & her body mishapen. She is so tired.
Hope is her only useful companion. The pain will not always be this intense. Days of contentment lie ahead. Relief is near. Joy will happen. Fulfillment & rewards soon will arrive.
How's that for a fortune cookie!

Epiphanies amidst the rush

2005-07-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

"I just need to learn how to love."

"I feel like a huge contradiction, so many things at once. If all these things could somehow come together I would be ok - balanced. Maybe I'm like that because God is like that - all things at once - that's one of my pieces of Divinity."

"I have a hard time embracing things like being vulnerable, scandalous or "vain" because they are often seen as negative. I am those things - however I feel like being that way is a defect. Now I just realized though that God is vulnerable, scandalous & "vain", & that's ok. Wow!"

~Thoughts from the Blue Girl

Bud or blossom

2005-07-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before... to test your limits... to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
As quoted from the book "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge

Afterthought

2005-07-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

She can't even remember how she started thinking of this.
Oh yeah. She was thinking in cuss words again. That made her think about Tourette's Syndrome, which led to thoughts about that one girl that Deuce Bigalo went on a date with in the movie Deuce Bigalo: Male Gigolo. Lame but funny movie.
Anyways, then she starts thinking about how in movies or on TV a lot of times the hero will give the heroine (or vice versa) the perfect gift. Like when Deuce gives Kate the fishtank with her name spelled out in it with coral.
She ponders why it is that she has been so driven to fix her life to be full of moments like that. Perfect gifts. Perfect moments. Then she wonders if maybe the reasons why none of these moments that she tries to create end up as wonderful as she had imagined, are because a) she tries to make them perfect, and b) tries to make them happen far too often.
Thinking back on one moment that stands out. . . They were thousands of miles apart on her birthday that year. Birthdays usually deflate her. That year was different. He sent her the perfect package, complete with the smelly bath soaps she likes in the scent that she uses, & a golden necklace with a heart pendant decorated with diamonds & a pink pearl. He even put instructions in the box so that she would know what order to open the gifts in.
Yeah, of course. Moments like that are not meant to happen every day. This isn't the soaps, you know.
And she realizes that if they did happen every day, they wouldn't mean jack sh*t. And she also realizes that the best way to kill that perfect moment is to plan it, fix it, doctor it up, control it. Perfect moments are perfect because they are unexpected, unplanned & unrehearsed (especially in her own head).
Maybe she's more green (shadow side) than she thought. Down with the green!!! You little bastard! (See link's list --> Temperaments)

Only lonely...

2005-07-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

"Hello again, your words they make me smile. As I drift away in my little room upstairs."
~Hootie & the Blowfish

Coming together

2005-07-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

As night came about, the little one was tired & fussy. He had cared for her for a long stretch & needed relief. "I want Daddy! I want Daddy!", the little one screamed over & over.
She was sitting in the other room listening to all that was going on. He retreated to her side. While holding his hand she told him it was ok to go back & comfort the little one this once. He hesitated, wanting to give in to the frustration. "Go on. You are needed." she said, imparting some calmness in his direction. It felt good to encourage a rescue effort for once instead of always standing in the way holding onto insignificance.
Inside she was delighting in hearing the cries cease. She had helped him to find the bit of strength he might not have used. He had used it well. It was one of those moments where everything comes together & just flows.

Bursting forth!

2005-07-11T18:32:00.000-07:00

Last night's pink must have intensified while she slept because today she is HAPPY! Maybe it was the medicinal foods she made herself eat yesterday. They do help sometimes.
Wow! She can handle life again! Cupboards & a fridge that held nothing but unappealables yesterday seem full of a plethora of cuisine creativity waiting just for her. She had forgotten how fun eating could be. And cooking & baking too.
She's going out tonight. To join a group of innovative creators. She's enjoying the full rosiness of the day down to the last flash of fuschia.

A pink ending to a bluesy day

2005-07-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

Everyday seems like a difficult climb up steep terrain. Should she be struggling this much just to live?
There is an alternative however. She's been seriously considering it in the past few days. Just to get through the summer & all that it holds. It seems like such a cop out though. She feels disappointed in herself for even letting herself weigh the idea.
They couldn't agree on anything today. Things just weren't very syncronized in general. So finally he took her to the park. They walked & picked sour berries growing near the path. They played with the little one, rolling & tumbling & swinging. Somehow the freedom to be young again relieved her dreariness for awhile.
She's ready to rest now. Early rest is one of her few combats against the darkness.
She feels so much better now. Almost normal. Is this what the rest of the world feels like?

Contradictions

2005-07-09T13:46:00.000-07:00

She's full of hopes & dreams now. And saddened realities. She's wearing her bike helmet over her spines. It's too hard to let real love in, and she's too full of sorrow.
Sometimes strangely it feels good to listen to a blue song. It's like for once & finally she is in harmony with something or someone. What a terribly wonderful song! She delights in being understood.
I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Is this the beginning or the end or somewhere in between?

2005-07-08T14:00:00.000-07:00

It all started last night really. Well, actually it started way before that. But mainly it started last night.
Full of fear & hurt & boiling bubbles of rage, she sat silently in front of the TV, hopefully trying to ignore herself. He came in & sat down beside her & they sat & watched for several more minutes. Then she swiftly clicked the power button off. And they talked. He listened & tried to solve each problem with his own solution. She flowed out, spilling tears & curses. Feelings swirled around inside her, mixing & separating & evaporating & thickening.
Then it was over. He carried her up to bed & tucked her in.
Today she woke up unsure. Everything seemed the same. What did that mean? So she journeyed on. Once again sitting in front of a screen she tried to ignore herself again. A few clicks & there it was. A message. A heart reaching out. A hope in the midst of dispare. What would become of it? She doesn't know. So she waits.