I've had a lot on my mind lately. With all these treatments I'm on for my physical health, I feel like things are getting stirred up & moved around inside my body. This is also affecting my thoughts, emotions & spirituality. It's a real "in limbo" sort of experience.
One thing that came to the surface during my coach call with my life coach yesterday was my deep desire for freedom. As I've alluded to previously on this blog, I've struggled with finding the balance between what my life is (SAHM, wife, housekeeper, etc.) & what I desire my life to be.
Before I go into what those desires are, let me give a little background information. I see myself, as I've lived my life, as going from feeling true to myself & my desires as a young child, to being overwhelmed with negative feelings, thoughts, & actions that clouded & covered my real self, to slowly starting to regain some of the clarity I had about who I really am & what I really want in life.
One way to explain this is through personality (which I see as a fluid, moving concept). When I was very young I have these vignette views of myself as carefree, playing outside with the sun shining & the breezes blowing, perfectly happy & carefree. I remember the feelings & the thoughts that would run through my head were about birds, friends, imagination, pixies, angels, puppies, fun, flowers, nature, etc. These times of carefree playing seemed to grow shorter & more covered by negative thoughts & worries as I grew & as the realities of my young life became more than my brain could process in the amount of time it needed to. I started thinking about shame & not being good enough more & more until it took over the majority of my thoughts. I was no longer carefree. I became moody, depressed, quietly angry, withdrawn. People repeatedly commented, at different stages of my childhood, about how I looked mad or anxious just in general. I slouched my shoulders, the weight of my world on my shoulders. I grew up feeling very stuck & imprisioned. I longed to feel free. I craved it. I didn't realize that I was the one keeping myself in that prision. I didn't realize that I could get out. I didn't see the door or even know it existed for me.
After living like this into my 20's, bringing it into my marriage & relationship with my eldest daughter, I finally saw the door. I attended a workshop called Foundations, that opened my eyes to the idea that I was in charge of my life, that I was the way that I was because of choices I had made to get me there, & that I could get back to being who I truly was. I realized that there was a lot of me that was hidden. I realized that I had the power & the courage to reveal my true self. I also learned about personalities in a way I had never heard before.
During one of the Foundations workshops I attended, I was introduced to Personality Dimensions, a testing system based on research done on human motivation & behavior. When I first took the test that time, my results were very high in the Blue area, followed by low scores in the Orange, Gold & Green areas. The majority of my Blue traits had to do with feelings. They, mostly in their negative forms, almost completely influenced everything in my life. I was suffocating but didn't know there was a way out. I didn't know how to be balanced. Foundations helped me to see a lot of ways that I was holding myself back. It helped me to give myself permission to be free to be who I truly am. When I have taken the test again in the last few years I've noticed that my Blue started to make it's way more towards the middle & my other colors have started to come out of the shadows, in particular my Orange. The most recent test I took showed that my Blue & Orange are tied. That just feels right! Orange traits include spontanaity, flexibility, fun, & creativity. And that is totally me: I'm equally a feeling, relationship-based, artistic personality along with a spontaneous, flexible, fun-loving & creative personality. I love those things about me. I feel like those traits are what help me to live my purpose in life.
So that takes me back to my original conversation with my life coach about freedom. One of the downsides (if you want to call it that) of having a dual personality is that some aspects of each one can clash with each other. In my case it is my equal desire for deep relationships (which often require stability & stationary living) with my desire for freedom. And especially in my case, I find that one of my greatest needs is to maintain the balance between living the life I have created & still having what I desire. It's the kind of life that will require me to throw open the doors to possibilities because there is not a "conventional" way to do it. Trust me, I've tried & I've looked.
And that is one of the reasons why I love life coaching so much. It helps remind me of what I need to do when I'm feeling out of balance. In particular during our conversation, my life coach posed the question to me, "What would you do if I said that for the next 24 hours you were entirely free to do whatever you wanted?" I tell you, that question blew me away. There is so much there that it would take a several more blog entries to touch on it all.
I will note, however, that as a SAHM I have a unique situation, given my personality. On the one hand, I desire to create extremely intimate relationships with my children. I go the second & third & fourth miles. This isn't always beneficial, I'm learning. There has to be balance. I am letting go of a lot of expectations I had of myself. I cannot be perfect in my own eyes unless I change my perspective on perfection.
And on the other hand, I have this deep desire for freedom. I long to have days on end where I do as I please, where I am entirely responsible only for me. Where if I want to eat organic food, I myself must find a way to get it & I don't have to think about the limitations of a family & a house & bills & school & geography & money & chores. I want simplicity. And yet I also want complex relationships. I want freedom & yet I want to be tied to people.
So on days when I might be wanting the freedom a little more than the relationships, or when I haven't created enough balance between the 2 & am craving to get away from it all, I end up feeling ashamed of myself or embarrassed that I even think about these things. I say bad, bad things to myself, which only makes it worse. But, & I truly mean "But," I also have been starting to add good thoughts into the mix. Affirmations. Desires. Gratitudes. Life coaching has helped tremendously with that, as has Foundations. And I intend to keep growing in that area of my life as long as it continues to serve me.
In closing, I just want to say Thank You to those of you who read this. Thank you for taking the time to make an effort to understand me. Thank you for any positive thoughts you've had towards me as you were reading this. And thank you for any words or actions of support you've given me in the past & for those I know you will give me in the future. I am blessed to have this support in my life.